And so it goes...

So, I have been away from the blog world for a while.  Things have not changed very much.  I am still feeling lonely and hoping one day I meet the man I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

The one I was dating called it quits.  He said he missed his wife too much and didn't really want to date.  I talked to him on the phone the other day and I think I dodged a bullet.  He was an alcoholic at one point and I think he has an addictive personality.  He has gone full on the religion bandwagon, which is not a bad thing in and of itself, but he is on the bandwagon to the exclusion of everything else.  I think moderation in all things is a good thing.

I wish him well and I hope he finds what he is looking for in life.

Care to Share

So, I think, maybe I have a boyfriend?  A man friend?  A new friend?  I am so totally new to this, I am not really sure what is happening, so I come here for advice and thoughts and memories.

I am not really feeling attracted to him, but I like him and I enjoy spending time with him...should you feel all lusty right away?  Does it grow?  Is there a certain amount of time that it takes and if you aren't feeling it, you should move on?

He says he is courting me.  He says we aren't going to move any faster than I want to. He lost his wife a year ago and is lonely.  Am I the one?  Everyone says he is like his old self and so happy.  He says I'm responsible for that...

I have never had anyone who wants to court me like that, who I actually like spending time with...is it enough?  Do I wait?  What do I do to make those feelings I should, maybe possibly, be having grow?

We talk almost every night, we text during the day, I look forward to that, but he is not what I expected and he is not who I thought I am attracted to.  He is bald, about 50 pounds over weight (he is working on losing it) and he is getting false teeth and only barely into his 50s.  Am I shallow?  I like him, but I am not sure if I will ever, like, like him...

Not sure how the whole TTWD, Dd thing might go.  I told him something the other day and he said I shouldn't be so submissive in the way I handled it...yeah, pretty much submissive over here...

I am so confused...

Horoscopes

I am not really into reading horoscopes.  I just don't buy it, but just after posting here, I happened upon my horoscope and it seemed appropriate:

Your current thoughts are so innovative that even your best friends may think you’re crazy. Whether or not others can keep up with you, you are at ease when talking about a new project or your next adventure. You’re not seeking approval from anyone else; your intention is to simply inform people of your activities. Nevertheless, your plans are likely to be very ambitious now and there’s little that could deter you from accomplishing your goals. You are coming from a position of power and don’t need to share everything yet. Your entire story will be revealed in time.

2018, here I come!!

Dealing with the past

First, thank you Roz and Willie for your kind comments.  Happy New Year!

I have been thinking about this Christmas quite a lot in the past couple of weeks and I have come to some realizations.  First and perhaps most importantly, I don't think I have ever blamed my parents for anything and I don't really feel the need to forgive them.  I'm not sure why other than perhaps I have had zero expectations of them from the beginning and when you have low expectations, it's pretty hard to be disappointed.  Funnily enough, I think that's one of the things that always bugged my mother:  that I had found a way not to need her.  I always felt she wanted me to need her so that she had some control over me.  So, I figured out a way not to need her and never put that weapon into her hands.

I do feel that they did the best that they could.  I do see a legacy of how I was treated, but I can choose not to be a victim.  I have always had good friends, I have accomplished a lot in my life and I really don't feel like I have any room to complain.  I am firmly of the opinion that nobody gets through life without scars of some kind from life.  My youngest brother said we all got through the best that we could and that's the truth.  It's just a part of life that good and bad things happen. 

I said in my last post that I had created an imaginary daddy that still came to help me.  As an adult, I look back at that and realize that was my coping mechanism.  Even though imaginary, he was pretty good to me.  LOLOLOL  I parented myself through him.  Weird, but true.

I am reminded of a couple of things that I have heard.  One is by a guy that had some rare disease and he realized that it was really hard to find a doctor that could treat what he had.  He eventually found someone and because of that experience, he set up an on line physician search that helped people find the very best doctors to treat whatever disease they had. When he was asked if he ever asked himself "Why Me?" that this disease had happened to him and he said, "Why would I?  I never asked why me when good things happened to me".  I think that's right, life just comes:  good and bad.  The second thing I think about is Dean Koontz.  His books are favorites of mine and he got a special place in my heart when I wrote asking for a book to auction off for a non-profit I worked for and he sent a personal note along with the book apologizing for its late arrival.  If I remember correctly, it even came over night delivery.  He grew up with an alcoholic, schizophrenic father, who terrorized him and his mother.  He said about it that when he was a child he was a victim and now that he is an adult he chooses not to be a victim.

This past Christmas was eye opening and I guess although I am sad that my brothers went through the same things as I did, I am glad that we all now know that we weren't alone in how we were treated.  It is good to know that I was wanted at least before birth and that they were trying for a girl.  I also think I have nothing to be ashamed of as far as how I dealt with my upbringing since I was a child and just doing what I had to do to survive.  My parents did the best that they could as I like to believe most people in the world do.  We are all just doing the best that we can with who and what we are and all the baggage we bring along.

I am embracing 2018 and thinking a lot about who I want to be.  I want to be proactive not reactive and I get to choose and that feels pretty good!

Happy New Year, indeed!

A Revealing Christmas

Every year, I go back to where I was raised and spend time with my brothers and nieces.  My parents are both dead.  We have a good time together, but we aren't really involved in each other's lives on a day to day basis.  My brothers all live pretty near each other and do things together like Thanksgiving and birthdays, but since I am so far away, I really don't think about it.  Some family secrets came out this year and I think that was for the best.

So, I always felt that I was probably an oops baby since I was born when my mother was 40 and there is a huge age difference between me and my next oldest brother.  My dad had said that they kept trying until they got a girl and at Christmas this year, my middle brother said the same thing.  So, maybe that is true, but I still feel like I was a burden to them, so I guess I didn't fulfill whatever the fantasy of "a girl" meant.  So, it's good to know I was at least wanted before I actually arrived.  Even if I didn't live up to what they wanted after I arrived.

The other revelation of Christmas was about uninvolved parenting.  As I said above, I always felt like a burden to my parents.  I had my own key at 10 and let myself into an empty house.  They were gone three or four evenings a week when I was growing up and I just always felt like I had to take care of my needs on my own.  I didn't think I had the same experience that my brothers did because my middle brother always painted a rosy picture of how things were for him growing up.  But this Christmas, my oldest and youngest brothers were just talking and some how I mentioned that I always felt like our parents were uninvolved and that's when the bombshell dropped.  They had EXACTLY the same experience.  They felt like they were free to do whatever they wanted.  I said I thought I could have built a bomb in the garage and our parents would never have known. They agreed that they could have and did build bombs without them knowing.  Then the second bombshell hit, my youngest brother said that our parents never wanted him to bother them.  He thought they were alcoholics!  Yikes! I remember my dad drinking a lot after my mom died, but I thought that was just grief.  He said they finished off a fifth of scotch a night.  I don't even know how much that is, but he thought 14 drinks a piece since they drank it with water.  What??????

I realized then that I had really disconnected with them and didn't even notice how much they drank as I was growing up, because I was trying so hard not to be a burden.  Then the youngest brother said, "I don't think our mother really wanted to be a mother."  Later my middle brother said almost the same thing and he was the one who was probably closest to our mother and always sort of stood up for her.  I guess the gloves are off which I think is a good thing.  Thinking back now, I remember he used to draw her fire too when she would come after me.  One time in particular, I had been called to the dinner table and I opened a closet door on my way.  She has stored some florescent light tubes in there and they fell and broke and she lit into me about how I should have come to the table and how dangerous these tubes were.  That middle brother told her that they broke the tubes into the dumpster behind the store where he worked all the time and talked her down, I think, while he cleaned up the glass.

I mentioned how there was always a price tag to anything she did for me and that I did my best to cut her out of the equation to get what I needed/wanted so that I wouldn't have to pay the unknown price.  I told them how she would get angry with me when I end ran her and how much work it was to get what I needed.  I always thought it was better to not involve her and if I couldn't accomplish it, I did without.  My youngest brother nodded and said, you shouldn't have had to do so much organizing as a kid.  Yep!

One story I told was about how I needed books in junior high.  We always went to school before to get the books and I had arranged to get a ride with a friend's mother and my mom was still asleep when I left (now I find myself wondering if she was a later sleeper because she had had too much to drink).  I don't think she thought about me needing the books, but she wasn't happy when I came home with them.  I always thought she would be happy that I wasn't burdening her, but maybe she was upset because of how it looked to my friend's parent.

I am sitting here typing this and crying because I don't know what to do with all of this new knowledge.  I have cried about this before, but I always thought it was just me and some how I was lacking and now I know it was ALL OF US!!

So, more research on uninvolved parenting and I find that children raised by uninvolved parents tend to have substance abuse problems, check for two of my brothers.  The middle one (he likes to be in control) gave it up when he was in his twenties saying he thinks he was allergic to it, but maybe he just didn't want to go down the path of our parents.  The older one has been an alcoholic most of his adult life although, I think he has given it up know and the youngest told me he quit in 2009.  They learn they must provide for themselves (yep, in spades for all four of us).  They fear becoming dependent on other people (my oldest married a woman who was manic depressive and used him for his money and then left him after physically abusing him.  The second one married a woman who is willing to be very submissive to him so he can be in control.  He talks a lot about bossy women and not liking them.  He mentioned our niece is bossy (her father said that was why she split up with her boyfriend) and I reminded him that both of her parents were alcoholics and she needed to take charge and that hopefully she will find a man who makes her feel safe enough to not have to be in charge.  He nodded and got quiet when I said that.  The youngest brother has never married and neither have I.  I guess I, too, am looking for a man who will make me feel safe enough to not have to be in control all the time.  Emotionally withdrawn is another characteristic.  Check again.  I know I tend that way, but I fight it. My middle brother didn't even have friends growing up and now as an adult his friends are all older.  I told him how glad I was that he had found a group of people to be friends with.  He does a lot for them, he is the caretaker, but I can't help feel like that allows him to remain in control since the giver is the one in control.  Delinquency during adolescence is another.  My youngest brother faced that one. 

Thankfully, both of my brothers who have daughters have tried to be very involved with their girls and they do seem to have a close relationship with them.  I had a close relationship with my dad after my mother died, but I think it was more about companionship than father/daughter and he kicked me to the curb as soon as he married his second wife.    Both of my nieces had difficult relationships with their mothers growing up, but seem to be working on rectifying that, but they weren't really mothered growing up either.

We all responded as best we could to the parenting we had and we are all relatively successful, but we carry scars.  I guess everybody has scars since we are all raised by imperfect human beings.  I wish I knew what to do with all this knowledge.  I have heard knowledge is power, so maybe now that I know, I can fight more successfully against this upbringing.  It sure does make clear why I invented an imaginary daddy when I was growing up.  He still comes to visit on occasion.  :-)

Update on dating

Well...it has been a long time since I have been here.  My life got really busy when I started working.   I am struggling a bit with whether or not to stay at the job.  The man who orchestrated me being hired is strongly encouraging me to apply for a fulltime job that has opened. I think I can do the job and I think I would like it.  The problem is that there is a woman here who has been working here for 14 years and is heir apparent to the position that has opened. 

The man who got me here and I had a long talk about all of this on Friday.  He is of the opinion that the current woman is not as capable as I am and that being in a job a long time does not make you heir apparent.  I told him that I am hesitant because I don't want to be in a hostile work environment and I am sure if I were to get the job, the woman who didn't would be angry.  He said he understood and proceeded to tell me the issues he has with her and some history and ended with hoping I would apply but that he understood if I didn't.  Ugh!  I'm really not sure what to do.  The thing is that the job for her is probably the only one she can get, although, she would still be employed, just not at the higher rate.  I can probably find a job anywhere since I have more skills than she does.

In other news, I am still dating.  There is one man I have seen three times.  After our first date, we met on line, he kissed me.  He also kissed me after the second date.  That is a bit of a rush for me and I really don't feel anything yet.  Then - date three - I took the risk and went to his house for a cookout.  He didn't even clean his house!  It was just sort of piled everywhere.  He said he hadn't cleaned it so that I could see how he was  - I guess that was sort of an apology?  Anyway, after dinner and a movie, we got back to the kissing again.  I finally indicated that it was time to go home.  We were kissing and I just didn't feel anything.  I'm not sure if I feel like this is a rush or if I am just not attracted to him.  Physically, he doesn't do much for me, but he is smart and funny which is a turn on for me. He was a gentleman and after some more kissing in the driveway I went home.  I have heard from him yet.  Ugh!

Then date number two of the weekend was with a man who is in the army.  We met at a coffee shop and talked about all kinds of things. He has 13 children.  The youngest of which is 1 year old.  I have been wanting to have children, but wow, having 13 in my life, I don't know.  This guy I actually laughed out loud with and at the end of the date, he asked if he could hug me.  I didn't feel rushed or like I was being pushed into anything.  So, I was more attracted to him.  He sent me a note on the dating site saying he was glad to meet me. 

I sure do wish I could find the one and just date him.  Ugh!

Oh, and I got a message on a dd dating site that said "Send pictures".  Now that's attractive, isn't it?  Ugh, isn't dating grand?  By the way, I hope all of you in a relationship will give a huge kiss to the man in your life.  You are lucky women!

Cygnet

In the midst of sexist pigs, men kneeling?

So, I have a new job.  I guess you all mostly know that.  As I have spoken to the women who work here a lot of them speak of the sexist atmosphere in which they work.  The men that they say are sexist, I really haven't had a problem with, mostly probably because I don't interact with them too much. 

So, here's the curious part.  There is one man I work with quite a bit.  He is the go to guy for a lot of people.  Yesterday at a meeting, I looked over to see him kneeling next to a woman and discussing something with her...yes kneeling on both knees,  Then I looked over at the man who was facilitating the group and again when he was talking to a women, he went down on one knee so he was talking to her face to face. 

Just an observation that I'm not sure what to make of...hmmmmm.