Reassuring the man

Thought I'd check in from the dating wars....

I got a strange e-mail last night that in thinking about how I wanted to respond made me realize something:  the men that are good dominant men and not domineering men, need reassurance that they are doing things right.  I know, that may not be a news flash to a lot of you, but in trying to find a relationship that works for me, I suddenly realized that when the relationship is new (and maybe not so new), the man needs as much reassurance from the woman as the woman does from the man. 

I also realized that the women in these types of relationships tend to be very much caretakers.  For me,  that can show itself in a variety of ways:  being bossy; refusing help when you need it; and generally trying to make sure everyone's needs are met, even when my own maybe aren't.  That, I believe is the power position.  I know it is in my life.  I know that if I am the one doing all the giving, then, I don't owe anybody anything. I learned that coping skill when I was a very young girl and it worked for me,because I grew up in a family where the cost of allowing someone to do something for you was unknown, but it was never free and a lot of times the cost was higher than the value of what that person did for you. I have since me a lot of people who give without expecting anything, but it is a hard habit to break.  I can make myself an island and not need anybody for anything and I can be strong and tough in my armor.  I think when I am in the world, I need to do that.  I can't afford to make myself vulnerable because when I am vulnerable, then I can lose and I really can't afford to lose.

That reassurance piece is critical in a relationship, when you are just getting to know each other, and especially when you are trying to form a more traditional relationship, I think the man needs reassurance that he is leading well and is "doing it right".  Which kind of gets me though, is I somehow don't want to be the one having to be reassuring.  I know that sounds selfish, but I guess I just want the man to magically be able to read me, and that is not fair.  He wouldn't ask if he didn't care, but at the same time, I feel myself wanting to wave my hand and say, "What about me.  I need reassurance too!" I think that is me wanting to be reassured that there isn't come hidden cost to letting him get close.

I also find myself wondering if maybe men who are trying to be leaders in a dd relationship aren't a bit more emotional about things.  I think they try to do the stiff upper lip and brazen their way through, but under that lip is a lot of emotion that needs the woman's permission to be let out.  I think it is a tricky balance though, because I also think there can be some men who want to be leaders but need to constantly be propped up and that SHOULDN'T be the woman's job. 

I want to be a good companion and I want to be some who can be reassuring, but I need to have my needs met too, and I am not sure exactly how to ask for that and that position of power in which I am doing all the giving is comfortable or at least familiar, but at some level I want to give up power and I need a guy who wants that too and if I'm to have that, I can't be the one who is doing all the reassuring.

Happy Love Our Lurkers Day

Hi Everybody,

I feel a bit weird posting on Love Our Lurkers Day, but here I am because I always like meeting new people.

I was a lurker for a long time and I so get not wanting to post, but I have found a lovely group of people who take the time to comment and help me along...because you know...I am not in a relationship at the moment...but that seems to be okay with all and sundry, so if you are looking or just want a friend to converse with...come on in, the water's fine. 

I have found a group of caring people on-line who want to help along with path of life.  There is a sense of relief when you post and realize that you aren't alone in your desires and needs and that all are really welcome.

So, if you have a mind send a hardy howdy, if not today, then some day, because you are always welcome here.

Thanks to everyone who has made me welcome too.  I am truly grateful.

Listening

As I may have mentioned at some point in the past, I work with some pretty terrific men.  I work with nine of them and I am one of two women.  These men are hugely attentive to what is going on around them.  I have seen them stop conversations to open the door for me if my hands are full.  They have come and asked me if they can move my car when it starts raining and ends up in a rain puddle so I don't have to wade to it.  I was at a party once and broke my plastic fork and one of them jumped up and got me two before I got a chance to get my own, saying, "I got you two because those things break pretty easy."  They come to me with things they been thinking about that will help me. I told one of my friends that I work with a bunch on knights who think part of being a man is helping out those around them.  I had one person in my office once who was known for blowing up, the guy across the hall came and stood in the doorway as I dealt with him.  He didn't say anything, he just stood there, all 6' 5" of him. After the guy left he told me if I ever have trouble with that person to let him know.  I am so not used to that, but I find I am basking in it. 

Enter the new guy.  He is peripheral to me but I do encounter him now and then, but it is pretty rare.  He doesn't really say thank you, he gets kind of bossy even though he is not a boss to me at all and apparently he treats every woman he encounters in much the same way.  The guys from the first paragraph aren't fond of that.  Knowing that he will listen to them before they will listen to the "woman", they speak up and say things like "She said..." and repeat exactly what has been said by the woman.  Luckily for the two women who have to work with him, he will be gone in a couple of months since he was only on temporary assignment. 

But here's the interesting part...the other day I am in my office and the new guy is with the boss.  The boss is firmly in the first paragraph.  In fact he sees it as his job to make the jobs of all those with whom he works easier.  If you come to him with a problem he tries to find a way to solve it, or he tells you he can't help and he's sorry but you just have to deal.  When he is sent snarky e-mails about me that I am cc'd on, he responds to the e-mailer with compliments to me and how they are wrong in their perceptions. Some people lack civility.  When I asked him about the latest e-mail he said his mother told him if he couldn't say something nice, don't say anything at all, but he responded in a measured manner letting the e-mailer know that what I was doing was a good thing, it would help the firm, and that he fully supported me.  He also told me he has had conversations with one of the other higher ups, who is another nice guy about how rude people are with each other. 

So...so...here's the really cool part.  He has the new guy in his office and I hear my boss telling him that he needs to change the way he deals with people.  First, he told him he needs to let people finish their thoughts before he interrupts (Amen, brother!).  My boss told him, take a pad of paper to every meeting you have with people and if you have a thought, jot it down so you don't forget and then AFTER the other person finishes their thought then you can tell them your thoughts. He had a few other hints for him too.  The part about listening is what got my attention though, how often are we planning what we are going to say without listening to what the person talking to us is saying.  Or do we interrupt because we are afraid we are going to forget what we were going to say.  I thought the boss was giving great advice that will help the new guy be a better administrator, but also make him more liked.  Why is he telling the guy this?  I think part of it was complaints that were made, but I also think he has noticed the new guy is not liked and he wants to help him.  I think that means the boss is listening and paying attention...like I said, I am pretty lucky.

Self Preservation and learning to waltz

I have been considering why people pull back from love and affection and attention from their partners and I think to a large extent, it is about self preservation.  I think that need to preserve yourself happens when confidence in the other person is lost or damaged. For women in DD relationships it seems that they can willingly submit when there is a high level of trust and they seek that companionship and love from their partners. I think the men in the relationship can more effectively lead when they know that their woman are supportive of their role as leader and forgiving of their missteps.  I think men tend to go into self preservation mode when they feel they have made a mistake and begin to beat themselves up about it. 

So, I was thinking about building that trust.  I think a big part of that is knowing that your man wants to help you be in willing submission.  That mean that you are communicating and also I think that means that he is considering what he can do differently to help you embrace your role.  Ultimately it seems that when he is considering how his actions affect your actions that means he is paying attention which makes you trust him more. For the men, I think that if they know they have the support of their partners and know that they aren't expected to be perfect (even though they want to be), they are more willing to take chances and find the path that works best. 

Since I am just trying to find a relationship, I think that so much of this is about building a foundation and not skipping to the construction before we have a steady base of trust, communication, friendship and a genuine like of each other.  I think sometimes people are so focused on the goal that they tend to sacrifice the foundation.

I do often think of this as a dance.  If you are going to dance together, one must lead and one must follow.  The more confident the man is in leading, the easier it is for the woman to follow.  There are times in every dance where the woman yields and there are times in every dance where the man yields.  If you are good partners and are together in how you move the waltz is beautiful  You have to have a steady foundation of good communication and willing submission if you are ever going to waltz perfectly together

Not a door mat

In defending the decisions that they have made to have a dd sort of lifestyle, I often hear woman say, "I am not a door mat".  That has always rung wrong with me and I have been giving it some consideration as to why it feels wrong to me.  I know that the women who say it aren't door mats, but I guess I just find myself wondering why they aren't door mats.  Is it because they don't allow themselves to be walked on or because the men they are with wouldn't walk on them, even if given the chance?  I like to think it's the latter.  I guess I think that because so much of dd is about trust and vulnerability that it feels like if she has to maintain some sort of control to keep from being walked on,  then how do you move forward in trust and vulnerability? I get why people say it because they feel the need to defend their choice and there is worry about abuse and being taken advantage of....

Perhaps I would be more comfortable with "I am not treated like a doormat" with the unspoken part being..."I make myself vulnerable to him and he doesn't take advantage of that trust and walk on me."

How do you know this is what you want?

As I have written before, I am looking for a relationship.  I was contacted by a man recently who does want to be an HOH.  He has had one other dd relationship and said he "took to it like a duck to water".  We have had very long conversations and have found we have a lot in common outside of dd. One thing I told him right off the bat is that I want to know what kind of man he is before we can even discuss the discipline/control/HOH aspect of things.  I need to know we like each other and not find out down the track that the only thing we have in common is an interest in dd.  He has respected that and we are tentatively starting to explore what a relationship would look like.  We seem to have similar views on things.  I don't want to be under a high level of control.  I also don't want to be treated as a child.  I did talk to one man who wanted a little girl and while that is fine for some, it is not for me...I discovered that pretty quickly.  I did appreciate what he taught me about myself though and about needs and wants and desires.  I guess it was good to have a daddy type who was willing to help me explore a bit without any pressure.

The question that has presented itself, though, is: how do you know this is what you want? I like that there is a way to resolve conflict in relationships and move on.  I also like that I can be myself: strong, capable and confident and have the man like that.  I have dated men who say, "You intimidate me".  Yes, that it just not something I want to deal with.  I want a man who likes that I am accomplished.  The man I am currently speaking with says he thinks in a relationship you should be allowed to be all you can be.  There is a sexual aspect to this, also, and we both acknowledge that.  There is something attractive about a man who is strong enough to let me be all I am with no hiding.  There is also an attractiveness to having a man I can trust enough to yield all control over to him.  I think putting myself across his lap is the ultimate show of that trust and I think that is the turn on on both sides. 

I am still formulating my thoughts on this.  Would anyone out there in blog land be willing to answer that question if it were put to you before you were in a dd relationship (maybe you were asked this question as well):  How do you know this is what you want?  Further, once it came out of the fantasy world and became real:  How did you know that it was indeed what you wanted?  Did you know right away or did you slowly come to the realization after you embarked on the journey? I find I am by turns excited, nervous and even a little scared.  Did you all go through those feelings after you and your significant other decided to give dd a try?

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