So, I have questions for you all...that I hope you'll be willing to answer.
So, here's the first one.
When you are over your husbands lap, what is his role? By that I mean, you went over his lap because he is your husband, or dom or HOH, but once you are there, what is his role? Here are a couple of suggestions I have heard to sort of start the ball rolling..teacher? or disciplinarian? or some other word?
While you are over his lap, what is your role? I don't even know what words to use here...
Here's another question, I have read of many who have been told to just be themselves, but if being yourself is to be very controlled and "good" why should you not be those things? By that I mean, do you want to shift the control over your behavior to someone else and allow yourself to act out? Should you only have to be "good" when it comes naturally? So, when there is an effort of the will to behave, should you not exert that will, but instead allow your husband to seize the control to get you to the place of behaving were it IS easy and does feel good and effortless?
Just some random thoughts and questions I have had...
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Sunday, February 9, 2014
News from the dating wars
I have been dating, quite a lot actually and at times I find it fun and at other times just depressing. Let me share some recent events.
I met a guy who seemed really nice and attentive. We met for drinks and that went well. On the second date, he took me to a burlesque show. Yes, topless women, dancing. In his defense, he expected music and hadn't been to this show before. I told him in a text that I suspected there would be topless women. He offered to take me bar hopping instead. We went to the burlesque show. I wasn't scandalized or offended but as we talked, I found out he had married his ex-wife twice and had only just settled into the job he has now. He had been moving RVs cross country prior to that and so was away from his wife. I told him I thought it was important to be together as a couple. He agreed and said that was why he took the job he had. He mumbled something about me being too classy for him when I told him that I probably wouldn't feel comfortable spending the day naked at Burning Man, which he had done. He also asked if I would enjoy being clothed watching other people naked at Burning Man. I said probably not. He texted me once and when I responded to him, he thanked me, saying that he thought I wouldn't contact him again. His next text, I didn't respond to. I think he is right, I am probably too classy for him.
Another guy I met on-line and he has been Skyping pretty regularly. You already know about him for a previous post. He has a problem with "high conflict" women and coaches men in how to deal with them. He is currently working with a man as a sober coach. I didn't hear from him for eight days and then a text asking to Skype. I said yes, but I can hear him playing pool while I am talking and him commenting in a low voice, while I am talking that he is making great shots. I told him we didn't have to talk if he wanted to play pool instead. He said no, he was just playing around. At the end of the conversation which was mostly about him, I told him about some troubles I am fighting at work. He listened and had few comments and then the call amazingly just ended. He sent me a text an hour later saying he was sorry about the call ending. I don't expect to hear from him for another eight days or so, which is okay because I think he just wants me to listen to him and not have to give me anything in return. So, strike two on the man list
The third man I will mention is where I need your sage advice out there. He is dd and we are very much on the same page about things. The problem is...and is it a problem?...he is 16 years younger than I am. He says age is not a problem for him and that the last two women he dated were also in their 40s...he is in his early 30s. We are chatting soon, so we shall see, so my question is...do you all think an age difference matters or not?
Sigh...anybody out there have a nice, single brother or friend in his 40s who wants an intelligent, calm, gentle woman?
I met a guy who seemed really nice and attentive. We met for drinks and that went well. On the second date, he took me to a burlesque show. Yes, topless women, dancing. In his defense, he expected music and hadn't been to this show before. I told him in a text that I suspected there would be topless women. He offered to take me bar hopping instead. We went to the burlesque show. I wasn't scandalized or offended but as we talked, I found out he had married his ex-wife twice and had only just settled into the job he has now. He had been moving RVs cross country prior to that and so was away from his wife. I told him I thought it was important to be together as a couple. He agreed and said that was why he took the job he had. He mumbled something about me being too classy for him when I told him that I probably wouldn't feel comfortable spending the day naked at Burning Man, which he had done. He also asked if I would enjoy being clothed watching other people naked at Burning Man. I said probably not. He texted me once and when I responded to him, he thanked me, saying that he thought I wouldn't contact him again. His next text, I didn't respond to. I think he is right, I am probably too classy for him.
Another guy I met on-line and he has been Skyping pretty regularly. You already know about him for a previous post. He has a problem with "high conflict" women and coaches men in how to deal with them. He is currently working with a man as a sober coach. I didn't hear from him for eight days and then a text asking to Skype. I said yes, but I can hear him playing pool while I am talking and him commenting in a low voice, while I am talking that he is making great shots. I told him we didn't have to talk if he wanted to play pool instead. He said no, he was just playing around. At the end of the conversation which was mostly about him, I told him about some troubles I am fighting at work. He listened and had few comments and then the call amazingly just ended. He sent me a text an hour later saying he was sorry about the call ending. I don't expect to hear from him for another eight days or so, which is okay because I think he just wants me to listen to him and not have to give me anything in return. So, strike two on the man list
The third man I will mention is where I need your sage advice out there. He is dd and we are very much on the same page about things. The problem is...and is it a problem?...he is 16 years younger than I am. He says age is not a problem for him and that the last two women he dated were also in their 40s...he is in his early 30s. We are chatting soon, so we shall see, so my question is...do you all think an age difference matters or not?
Sigh...anybody out there have a nice, single brother or friend in his 40s who wants an intelligent, calm, gentle woman?
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Where would we be without our past?
I went to see "Saving Mr. Banks" tonight. It is a very Disney-fied story about how Mary Poppins was brought to the big screen. It was sweet and touching. It told of Walt Disney's abusive father and P.L. Travers alcoholic father. It got me to thinking about what phoenixes we humans are. Despite (or maybe because of) the abuse...Disneyland. Despite (or maybe because of) an alcoholic father and a fragile mother...Mary Poppins. By the way, Emma Thompson does a splendid job of making a rather disagreeable woman, sympathetic.
We all carry around burdens from our past and yet we are all phoenixes, rising from those ashes. Do you ever look at those horrible things that happened to us in childhood (and we all have those things) and think, "Those things led me here to who I am, without them I would be a different person." We all deal with them in our own ways and are sometimes more successful than other times at putting them in perspective and they sometimes haunt us. But do they not also make us better in ways that we wouldn't be if not for them? Are we more sympathetic, more caring, more patient, more thoughtful, or more attuned to other's needs because we have those scars that we try so hard to hide.
Do you ever look at what others have been through and think how brave and strong they are even as they continue to deal with what life has thrown at them? We are survivors, every one of us and we have coping skills that work at varying degrees of success and maybe that is a part of what TTWD is about...a coping skill that helps us use all those hurts and scars and produce our own Disneyland or Mary Poppins or maybe just brings out our better selves to be present in a good way to the world not in spite of our pasts but because of them.
I have decided scars are not shameful things. They show that you are a survivor. They can spur you on to do great things that you would never have done if not for what produced those scars. They are badges of honor. Perhaps most importantly, the wounds that leave the scars give us the ability to reach into other people's lives and be truly present to them. Maybe that is the power of these blogs we write: the ability to be anonymous to some extent, allows us to reveal our wounds and scars and not be ashamed. To use them to help others in ways that we might only be able to in the virtual world and maybe one day the sharing in the virtual world will make us brave enough to share them in the real world.
There is a lot of support here in blogland and maybe it's because of the scars and wounds we all carry around, not in spite of them.
Happy New Year, Everybody!
We all carry around burdens from our past and yet we are all phoenixes, rising from those ashes. Do you ever look at those horrible things that happened to us in childhood (and we all have those things) and think, "Those things led me here to who I am, without them I would be a different person." We all deal with them in our own ways and are sometimes more successful than other times at putting them in perspective and they sometimes haunt us. But do they not also make us better in ways that we wouldn't be if not for them? Are we more sympathetic, more caring, more patient, more thoughtful, or more attuned to other's needs because we have those scars that we try so hard to hide.
Do you ever look at what others have been through and think how brave and strong they are even as they continue to deal with what life has thrown at them? We are survivors, every one of us and we have coping skills that work at varying degrees of success and maybe that is a part of what TTWD is about...a coping skill that helps us use all those hurts and scars and produce our own Disneyland or Mary Poppins or maybe just brings out our better selves to be present in a good way to the world not in spite of our pasts but because of them.
I have decided scars are not shameful things. They show that you are a survivor. They can spur you on to do great things that you would never have done if not for what produced those scars. They are badges of honor. Perhaps most importantly, the wounds that leave the scars give us the ability to reach into other people's lives and be truly present to them. Maybe that is the power of these blogs we write: the ability to be anonymous to some extent, allows us to reveal our wounds and scars and not be ashamed. To use them to help others in ways that we might only be able to in the virtual world and maybe one day the sharing in the virtual world will make us brave enough to share them in the real world.
There is a lot of support here in blogland and maybe it's because of the scars and wounds we all carry around, not in spite of them.
Happy New Year, Everybody!
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Words
Have you ever thought about words? The way they are used, who is saying them, the tone and the timing all seem to have a huge impact.
I never thought I would like the word ma'am. I thought it would make me feel old to have someone use it...I still don't like it for the most part. Most people that I am in authority over call me miss. My boss, however, calls me ma'am. When I ask him to do something for me, he often says, "Yes, ma'am." I find I do like that and I'm not sure why. He is older than me and in a position of authority, but he doesn't seem to feel the need to pull that authority card. Maybe for those two reasons it doesn't make me feel old. He also calls me "MIss Cygnet" that I like less, but it's said with a huge smile and kindness so I can live with it.
Another word: Daddy. We were discussing its use the other day in a group of 4 woman and 2 men. One of the guys finally said, "Not to be sexist, but I think it is different from women and men. I would never call my father, Daddy." "Not even when you were a little boy?" I asked. "Never," he said. The other guy agreed and said he was hesitant to say it. I replied that it was a term of affection for girls and women. He said he had no problem being called it by his daughter, because she is a Daddy's girl: a term he says he uses.
How about diva? I can't believe any woman would want to be called that, but there are women who have claimed it. I have always thought it was a term of derision. I guess it originally was a term for a woman who was a wonderful singer: a Prima donna, but I think diva and Prima donna have come to mean a temperamental person; a person who takes adulation and privileged treatment as a right and reacts with petulance to criticism or inconvenience. How is that a good thing?
Do you think there are other words that used to feel funny to be used by or about you and your feelings about the words have changed?
I never thought I would like the word ma'am. I thought it would make me feel old to have someone use it...I still don't like it for the most part. Most people that I am in authority over call me miss. My boss, however, calls me ma'am. When I ask him to do something for me, he often says, "Yes, ma'am." I find I do like that and I'm not sure why. He is older than me and in a position of authority, but he doesn't seem to feel the need to pull that authority card. Maybe for those two reasons it doesn't make me feel old. He also calls me "MIss Cygnet" that I like less, but it's said with a huge smile and kindness so I can live with it.
Another word: Daddy. We were discussing its use the other day in a group of 4 woman and 2 men. One of the guys finally said, "Not to be sexist, but I think it is different from women and men. I would never call my father, Daddy." "Not even when you were a little boy?" I asked. "Never," he said. The other guy agreed and said he was hesitant to say it. I replied that it was a term of affection for girls and women. He said he had no problem being called it by his daughter, because she is a Daddy's girl: a term he says he uses.
How about diva? I can't believe any woman would want to be called that, but there are women who have claimed it. I have always thought it was a term of derision. I guess it originally was a term for a woman who was a wonderful singer: a Prima donna, but I think diva and Prima donna have come to mean a temperamental person; a person who takes adulation and privileged treatment as a right and reacts with petulance to criticism or inconvenience. How is that a good thing?
Do you think there are other words that used to feel funny to be used by or about you and your feelings about the words have changed?
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Enough
I was talking with a man the other day and he had been terribly wounded by a woman who he labeled as "high conflict". He said he had finally had enough and had left her. He then started up a counseling service to help other men who were in relationships with high conflict women. He said the first thing to do was to end the conflict by just agreeing with everything she says because by doing so, you don't get into fights at all and then you have the freedom to decide if you want to stay with her or not.
I was thinking today about why his suggestions felt uncomfortable to me. At first I was trying to label it passive aggressive, but it's not really aggressive, passive, yes, but not aggressive. I then I started thinking that I wanted a guy who would argue with me, when I am upset about something he did and that doesn't seem right either. I think I want a genuine "I'm sorry" when he really is contrite about something that he has done and just apologizing for anything and everything just seems like there is no true contrition, just trying to shut the woman up and stop conflict before it happens. I want to be able to discuss problems and work them out and when the man apologize immediately, then no discussion really happens. I want to be able to argue and that sounds wrong, but I don't think it is. I want to be able to argue and come to a resolution.
What I realized finally is that I want a man who will stand up for himself, fight fair and apologize if he has made a mistake. I also want a man who can say "enough" to me when I push things too far or when I am escalating an argument too much. I don't want a passive man who goes belly up at the first sign of conflict. I want to want to argue and be honest, while still being respectful. I don't want things to go unresolved, but I do want a man who has the ability to lovingly and firmly say, "Enough" and have the means at his disposal to make sure I honor and accept that.
I was thinking today about why his suggestions felt uncomfortable to me. At first I was trying to label it passive aggressive, but it's not really aggressive, passive, yes, but not aggressive. I then I started thinking that I wanted a guy who would argue with me, when I am upset about something he did and that doesn't seem right either. I think I want a genuine "I'm sorry" when he really is contrite about something that he has done and just apologizing for anything and everything just seems like there is no true contrition, just trying to shut the woman up and stop conflict before it happens. I want to be able to discuss problems and work them out and when the man apologize immediately, then no discussion really happens. I want to be able to argue and that sounds wrong, but I don't think it is. I want to be able to argue and come to a resolution.
What I realized finally is that I want a man who will stand up for himself, fight fair and apologize if he has made a mistake. I also want a man who can say "enough" to me when I push things too far or when I am escalating an argument too much. I don't want a passive man who goes belly up at the first sign of conflict. I want to want to argue and be honest, while still being respectful. I don't want things to go unresolved, but I do want a man who has the ability to lovingly and firmly say, "Enough" and have the means at his disposal to make sure I honor and accept that.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Reassuring the man
Thought I'd check in from the dating wars....
I got a strange e-mail last night that in thinking about how I wanted to respond made me realize something: the men that are good dominant men and not domineering men, need reassurance that they are doing things right. I know, that may not be a news flash to a lot of you, but in trying to find a relationship that works for me, I suddenly realized that when the relationship is new (and maybe not so new), the man needs as much reassurance from the woman as the woman does from the man.
I also realized that the women in these types of relationships tend to be very much caretakers. For me, that can show itself in a variety of ways: being bossy; refusing help when you need it; and generally trying to make sure everyone's needs are met, even when my own maybe aren't. That, I believe is the power position. I know it is in my life. I know that if I am the one doing all the giving, then, I don't owe anybody anything. I learned that coping skill when I was a very young girl and it worked for me,because I grew up in a family where the cost of allowing someone to do something for you was unknown, but it was never free and a lot of times the cost was higher than the value of what that person did for you. I have since me a lot of people who give without expecting anything, but it is a hard habit to break. I can make myself an island and not need anybody for anything and I can be strong and tough in my armor. I think when I am in the world, I need to do that. I can't afford to make myself vulnerable because when I am vulnerable, then I can lose and I really can't afford to lose.
That reassurance piece is critical in a relationship, when you are just getting to know each other, and especially when you are trying to form a more traditional relationship, I think the man needs reassurance that he is leading well and is "doing it right". Which kind of gets me though, is I somehow don't want to be the one having to be reassuring. I know that sounds selfish, but I guess I just want the man to magically be able to read me, and that is not fair. He wouldn't ask if he didn't care, but at the same time, I feel myself wanting to wave my hand and say, "What about me. I need reassurance too!" I think that is me wanting to be reassured that there isn't come hidden cost to letting him get close.
I also find myself wondering if maybe men who are trying to be leaders in a dd relationship aren't a bit more emotional about things. I think they try to do the stiff upper lip and brazen their way through, but under that lip is a lot of emotion that needs the woman's permission to be let out. I think it is a tricky balance though, because I also think there can be some men who want to be leaders but need to constantly be propped up and that SHOULDN'T be the woman's job.
I want to be a good companion and I want to be some who can be reassuring, but I need to have my needs met too, and I am not sure exactly how to ask for that and that position of power in which I am doing all the giving is comfortable or at least familiar, but at some level I want to give up power and I need a guy who wants that too and if I'm to have that, I can't be the one who is doing all the reassuring.
I got a strange e-mail last night that in thinking about how I wanted to respond made me realize something: the men that are good dominant men and not domineering men, need reassurance that they are doing things right. I know, that may not be a news flash to a lot of you, but in trying to find a relationship that works for me, I suddenly realized that when the relationship is new (and maybe not so new), the man needs as much reassurance from the woman as the woman does from the man.
I also realized that the women in these types of relationships tend to be very much caretakers. For me, that can show itself in a variety of ways: being bossy; refusing help when you need it; and generally trying to make sure everyone's needs are met, even when my own maybe aren't. That, I believe is the power position. I know it is in my life. I know that if I am the one doing all the giving, then, I don't owe anybody anything. I learned that coping skill when I was a very young girl and it worked for me,because I grew up in a family where the cost of allowing someone to do something for you was unknown, but it was never free and a lot of times the cost was higher than the value of what that person did for you. I have since me a lot of people who give without expecting anything, but it is a hard habit to break. I can make myself an island and not need anybody for anything and I can be strong and tough in my armor. I think when I am in the world, I need to do that. I can't afford to make myself vulnerable because when I am vulnerable, then I can lose and I really can't afford to lose.
That reassurance piece is critical in a relationship, when you are just getting to know each other, and especially when you are trying to form a more traditional relationship, I think the man needs reassurance that he is leading well and is "doing it right". Which kind of gets me though, is I somehow don't want to be the one having to be reassuring. I know that sounds selfish, but I guess I just want the man to magically be able to read me, and that is not fair. He wouldn't ask if he didn't care, but at the same time, I feel myself wanting to wave my hand and say, "What about me. I need reassurance too!" I think that is me wanting to be reassured that there isn't come hidden cost to letting him get close.
I also find myself wondering if maybe men who are trying to be leaders in a dd relationship aren't a bit more emotional about things. I think they try to do the stiff upper lip and brazen their way through, but under that lip is a lot of emotion that needs the woman's permission to be let out. I think it is a tricky balance though, because I also think there can be some men who want to be leaders but need to constantly be propped up and that SHOULDN'T be the woman's job.
I want to be a good companion and I want to be some who can be reassuring, but I need to have my needs met too, and I am not sure exactly how to ask for that and that position of power in which I am doing all the giving is comfortable or at least familiar, but at some level I want to give up power and I need a guy who wants that too and if I'm to have that, I can't be the one who is doing all the reassuring.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Happy Love Our Lurkers Day
Hi Everybody,
I feel a bit weird posting on Love Our Lurkers Day, but here I am because I always like meeting new people.
I was a lurker for a long time and I so get not wanting to post, but I have found a lovely group of people who take the time to comment and help me along...because you know...I am not in a relationship at the moment...but that seems to be okay with all and sundry, so if you are looking or just want a friend to converse with...come on in, the water's fine.
I have found a group of caring people on-line who want to help along with path of life. There is a sense of relief when you post and realize that you aren't alone in your desires and needs and that all are really welcome.
So, if you have a mind send a hardy howdy, if not today, then some day, because you are always welcome here.
Thanks to everyone who has made me welcome too. I am truly grateful.
I feel a bit weird posting on Love Our Lurkers Day, but here I am because I always like meeting new people.
I was a lurker for a long time and I so get not wanting to post, but I have found a lovely group of people who take the time to comment and help me along...because you know...I am not in a relationship at the moment...but that seems to be okay with all and sundry, so if you are looking or just want a friend to converse with...come on in, the water's fine.
I have found a group of caring people on-line who want to help along with path of life. There is a sense of relief when you post and realize that you aren't alone in your desires and needs and that all are really welcome.
So, if you have a mind send a hardy howdy, if not today, then some day, because you are always welcome here.
Thanks to everyone who has made me welcome too. I am truly grateful.
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