It all just seems a bit much for me, especially the public rituals.
In other news, I just brought "Go Set A Watchman" home from the library. I hope I don't reget it since I have had a crush on Atticus FOR-EV-ER.
Cygnet
Christian Domestic Discipline Relationship
Roles and Expectations
Principles
Communication
Rules and Discipline
Pledges and Rituals
ROLES and EXPECTATIONS
The Family Leader
is known as the Christian Family Leader. He is in charge and makes all
important decisions and anything he deems necessary for his female
submissive partner and family. He has the authority to delegate. He has
the expectation of obedience with a positive attitude. He has
responsibility to care for the well-being and discipline of the female
submissive partner and family.
The submissive
female role obeys and belongs to the Family Leader. Her expectation is
to be loved, cared for, protected, lead, taught, guided and disciplined.
PRINCIPLES
As a Family Leader I believe and abide by the following principles.
The Family Leader, his submissive partner and family owe allegiance to God, community, country, special friends and loved ones.
Submission is a precious gift given to the Family Leader.
The Bible teaches us about all Christian values and important lessons to guide us all.
Free will and what our mind can do and imagine belongs to each of us by the grace of God.
Submission should be given from free will.
The female submissive body and will are given to her Family Leader.
The Family Leader
must love, care for, protect, provide, rule, command, consider and
discipline the submissive partner and family.
The submissive partner must obey, respect and thank her Family Leader with a respectful and loving tone.
The submissive partner and family must cooperate with the Family Leader for the well-being of all concerned.
The submissive
learns when to defer, when to confer and when to decide on her own as
taught and disciplined by her Family Leader.
COMMUNICATION
The preferred
method of communication by the Family Leader is to be clear and concise
with an assertive or commanding tone. It is his choice to be comforting
or stern as needed, not angry or abusive.
The submissive
must address her Family Leader with respect and gratitude. The Family
Leader decides the tone and will enforce it as needed. The submissive
can be commanded to obey, respond in a very specific way and repeat to
confirm back to her Family Leader until she gets it right.
The submissive
will be allowed to express her concerns and relevant issues, emotions
and requests for her Family Leader to agree, permit or execute. This
open communication will be within a constructive context with clear
limits.
The Family Leader
is to practice active listening to best learn about the needs, wants,
emotions, intentions and all relevant issues/concerns of the submissive
and family. The goal is to be clear to make informed choices and
decisions. The Family Leader is to be mature enough to recognize when he
is wrong after careful, rational consideration. He can express regrets
and apologize without losing respect. He should take responsibility for
his decisions.
RULES
The Family Leader
sets rules that he teaches, commands and enforces with his submissive
partner and family. The rules reflect the values of the Family Leader,
submissive, family, community and country.
The Family Leader
teaches each specific rule to ensure agreement and clear obedience. If a
rule is in dispute there will be a respectful way of deciding if the
rule should be changed or cancelled. Ultimate authority belongs to the
Family Leader within Christian values. The Family Leader uses
proportional discipline to enforce rules. Discipline must be accepted
by the submissive. When commanded the submissive must admit that she
broke a rule, ask for her discipline and thank her Family Leader in a
grateful tone after receiving it. The Family Leader decides if he
comforts the submissive after discipline or a teaching session.
Principles are taught and reinforced by the Family Leader.
PLEDGES and RITUALS
The Family Leader
pledges to her submissive partner to love, care for, protect, provide,
rule, command, consider and discipline her and the family.
The submissive
pledges to obey, respect and cooperate with her Family Leader. She
states that her body and will are given to her Family Leader.
Rituals are
performed to signify the beginning or end of each important stage of the
relationship. The Family Leader rewards his submissive for her
obedience, respect, cooperation and submission. The rituals can be
private or a celebration with family and/or carefully selected special
friends and loved ones.
Hey Cygnet...happy to see you. The contract is a much formal for me but not really over the top...the only parts that make me go ???? are the saying thank you in a grateful tone after receiving discipline and the last paragraph regarding rituals. Think those would need a lot more discussion. ;) Keep us informed about how it's going.
ReplyDeleteHugs and blessings...Cat
Hi, well I wrote and asked him about more details and needless to say, he decided I wasn't for him...I'm not surprised...he's probably right...but....sigh.
DeleteWow....had I been presented with such a document, I would have run...but that is just me and I was totally naive. It is good to discuss there items ahead of time, so if these are a start to a discussion, I can see the value.
ReplyDeletehugs abby
HI Abby, Yeah, I think he wants something more serious than I do. I tried to engage him in conversation and he just wasn't really interested. I think he wanted to hard and fast rules.
DeleteI understand setting down what you expect in a relationship, but I'm pretty sure I would tell him to take a hike. A relationship is all about flexibility and those hard-fast rules seem a little to stringent for me. Think carefully.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy Harper Lee's book.
Okay as you know me personally, you know how we came to ttwd, our struggles, our life, so please keep that in mind when you read my comment.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing that stands out to me it the fact you said is the 'principles' he is interested in. Reading what he copied and pasted to you may seem a bit extreme in it's wording, and I am with Abby, at the start of ttwd reading this would have probably made me recoil. However 3 plus years in, reading it with our experience and skimming this over a few times, it really is the 'principle' of most Dd relationships. Ours has nothing to do with God or religion, that is the only part that gives me pause. On the upside, no where in there does it say " God said...." .
I further agree with Abby that these are great jumping off discussion points. I am assuming he didn't write this, so his wording concerning things may be totally different.
At the risk of sounding dismissive, ( as that isn't my intent) I don't actually see that the rules section is inflexible at all. If or once you have lived this lifestyle it actually seems reasonable. "If a rule is in dispute there will be a respectful way of deciding if the rule should be changed or cancelled" If the word RULE is something you are uncomfortable with, think of them as expectations. Not all rules/expectations are punishable in our relationship. They are just things my husband prefers and if I am neglecting that he uses that as a gauge to see I may be 'drifting' away, nothing more.
Our relationship with Dd has just as much to do with him being responsible for my needs as it does for me his. Hopefully this is the same in any relationship you encounter. My suggestion would be for you to write down what you think are your principles with this, and compare. I know at this stage your thoughts are mostly based on theories and are going to change when you become further engaged in a ttwd relationship, but it is a good exercise and jumping off point too. If he has already been in a Dd relationship he may have a clearer vision, but together you can create a vision and speed to which to get there. Ideally neither will push the other into an area before they are ready, but it will happen at times.
Good luck. You know where to find me !
willie
So, I found out he has "mentored" many (his words) women and then they go off and get into relationships and he backs off. I think. as in any relationship, mutual interests and enjoying each other's company is paramount. I don't think he is interested in that. My impression is that he wants to be a bit more controlling than I am interested in.
DeleteWhen I tried to discuss my feelings about this, he backed off...just as well. I don't think we were a match.
Thanks for your thoughts, though, I will keep them in mind going forward.
Hey Cygnet,
ReplyDeleteI have a few questions...lol...but the most important one is whether or not this man has been in a DD relationship before. If so I suppose he is writing out exactly what he wants b/c of unmet expectations last time around. If not, it is more theory and that's okay...working out what you want ahead of time is a good start.
Here's my basic issues and they mostly surround the fact that he's labeling this as a christian form of DD.
--It feels cold. It does not feel like the writing of a man who is looking for a woman whom he longs to love, cherish and become one with. I don't read about sharing a life together. I do read that a woman in this partnership is a subordinate on the same level with other members of the family. I don't get that. Perhaps he didn't write it and found it somewhere but agreed with the ideas.
--In a christian marriage, two become one and Scripture says that we become one flesh. Together, as a team, that couple may have children and lead them. This reads like one family leader who rules over all, delegates, disciplines etc. Perhaps my spidey senses are a little high, but that feels much more controlling than I'd ever be comfortable with. I know women who want and even crave that...so I'm not judging. I also know that going into ttwd, I had different ideas about how much control I needed to have taken away. These things change with time and maturity in relationship as well as tons of communication.
--Again, in a christian marriage the wife's body belongs to her husband and her husband's body belongs to his wife. Goes 100% both ways. If a couple mutually desires (as this man appears) to engage in a relationship which looks more like ownership, that's something to decide on when you know each other very very well. To give over your will to someone else so fully is a very big deal which requires an incredible amount of strength on the woman's side and responsibility on the man's side.
--Rules are fine. We all have them whether we can list them on a piece of paper or not. For me they have become boundaries that are there to protect my emotional well being. In real life expectations and even boundaries can change with the flow of any given day. We live together and deal with the ups and downs of life. Days are filled with work, cooking, moving snow, family meltdowns etc...you know what I mean. The formality of rules in DD relationships...I know some have them but most of us move into a place where we hold each other to mutual expectations. Enforcing rules gets very little time here and hasn't for many years now. There's no need...we both want to live up to the other person's expectations. I think a couple going into this probably need to thoroughly discuss how rule driven they'd want to be. Some of us thrive in boundaries more than others. Some want it more formal than others.
--Discipline is messy. It happens usually b/c I have a hideous attitude. Respect, obedience...asking for it and humbly accepting it. LOL Cygnet, I could never live up to those expectations even now. I still tell my husband off in the middle of it sometimes, much to his amusement. For us it is part of the process of getting the junk up to the surface so that he can use discipline to get us somewhere positive. It's not punishment for its own sake and while there's lots of snuggling after, somebody might get bitten if they required me to say thank you. Just saying.
--Rituals?? I'm sure if we looked back, we could find some marking points along the way that were or have become rituals. This guy seems to want some thing very formal. Much more explanation needed.
I do believe this is the longest comment I have left in a year. So...do tell...did you write him back??
Hi Susie,
DeleteHe says he has had a relationship like this with his wife and he has "mentored" many women. I am totally with your on the feeling like he needs more control than I am comfortable with too.
I did write him back and he just didn't seem up to discussing things. I told him that it was more than I thought I wanted and he basically walked away. I think I'm okay with that.
I really just want a man who enjoys being with me and the dd aspect of things is more in the background rather than so "in my face".
Thank you so much for the longest comment in a year...I think I am very much to your way of thinking and you very much clarified my thoughts.
Thank you!