This is a song about control

"This is a song about control" is a phrase I use often when someone is being unreasonably controlling.  I stole it from a song by Janet Jackson.  I'm not sure which song, not that it really matters.

I have come to realize this week that "This is a song about control" really means "This a song about me not trusting you".  The first event that brought this to mind relates to the fact that I am in a singing group. The group is extremely talented despite being an all volunteer group.  We tour; we sing in different languages; we sing classical music. Many of us play multiple instruments.  We can pretty much pick up a piece of music and while not sing it perfectly, we can sing it pretty close to right.  Because of this tremendous amount of talent and ability, any director we have is going to have to be on his toes.  If he misconducts something consistently or tries to teach us a rhythm that isn't right everybody knows it.  The same goes for the singers.  If you are singing the wrong notes, the person next to you knows it and will usually lean over and tell you and that is okay because usually you know you aren't right anyway.  It is a high wire act where everybody needs to be on their game.  We have had people join us, who within the first 15 minutes or so, know that they can't keep up and never come back.  We are welcoming of everyone, but the level at which we perform can be intimidating unless you have a certain level of musical ability.

So, any director needs to earn our trust to a certain extent.  They need to prove that they are going to bring you in when they are supposed to.  They need to prove that at difficult entrances they are going to be right there because you need them.  If they aren't right there, you stop trusting them and everybody starts depending on themselves to come in and cut off notes.  What happens is that we stop singing as a group and start singing as individuals.  When this happens, the music suffers.  I have sung with symphony orchestras were the musicians are following the singers and the singers are following the musicians.  The director has been put on complete disregard expect maybe to keep time.  Not good!  The music is at its best and most glorious when everyone in the group, musicians and singers give up all control to the director, but this only happens when the director has proven he can be trusted with that much control.

This relationship is often tested.  The director who realized he isn't being followed as closely as he would like starts conducting at different speeds, throwing in unexpected rests and holding notes longer than they are written.  The people who are watching him stay with him the people that aren't watching aren't with the director and the music falls apart pretty quickly and everybody hears it.  The best directors can convey the "Pay attention to me" message without every saying a word about it.  I once had a conductor say that when you have a choir completely under your control you don't need to use words.  He said this to someone who he was teaching how to conduct.  He then proceeded to stand up and conduct us without saying anything.  It was fabulous and very enlightening about just how good he was at what he did.  Trust is the operative word here.  We relaxed and just sang.

No director can direct music that exceeds the ability of the singers, but he can make them perform to their very best.  This reminds me of a scene from All that Jazz,  a dancer kept being picked on by Joe Gideon, until finally she just stalks away, upset.  Here is the dialog:

Victoria: Well, you're right. I'm terrible. I know I'm terrible. I look at the mirror and I'm ashamed. Maybe I should quit. I just can't seem to do anything right.
Joe Gideon: Listen. I can't make you a great dancer. I don't even know if I can make you a good dancer. But, if you keep trying and don't quit, I know I can make you a better dancer. I'd like very much to do that. Stay?
Victoria: Are you going to keep yelling at me?
Joe Gideon: Probably.

This I totally understand!  It is all about trust and control.  This is about staying and allowing the director to make you better even when it is hard.

The other event happened this week.  A woman sent out an e-mail to a board that I sit upon indicating that we should have discussed a decision we made with the whole group.  What she accused us of had never been discussed (we hadn't made the decision she accused us of) and would never have been discussed without the input of the entire group, not just the board.  I was the first to respond.  I prayed and rewrote a lot, but I think it came across gently.  I hope!  What I said was that I was sorry that she thought we had let her down and I was even more sorry that she didn't trust us enough to realize we would never have made that decision without everyone's input.  "This is a song about control".  She has been a huge leading influence in the past and has only recently given up the reins of power.  She doesn't trust us.  I guess we haven't earned it and I am not sure how we can.  The horrible part of this is that not only does she not trust us, she also accuses of things of which we are not guilty.  I have written in the past about Eeyores, Piglets, Tiggers and Poohs.  This woman is an Eeyore, she usually attributes the negative motive to everybody.  So, instead of being a supportive influence on the board, she just tears at us and what we are trying to accomplish.  If she would just trust us the tiniest bit, I think we would surprise her.  If she would just soften her approach the tiniest bit, we wouldn't have her on mostly disregard.  She is who she is and I know she would like to be on the board, but people won't elect her because they recognize how difficult she can be.

Trusting in either of these cases is not about losing who you are or even about giving over your will.  It is about cooperating and keeping the final goal in mind and trusting.  That is what I am looking for in a relationship.  The best directors and husbands are not afraid of questions. They are secure enough to not feel challenged.  They have to earn that trust though and the best ones are the ones that are willing to prove themselves and be tested, because when they pass the test, that is when you feel the safest.