I was talking with a man the other day and he had been terribly wounded by a woman who he labeled as "high conflict". He said he had finally had enough and had left her. He then started up a counseling service to help other men who were in relationships with high conflict women. He said the first thing to do was to end the conflict by just agreeing with everything she says because by doing so, you don't get into fights at all and then you have the freedom to decide if you want to stay with her or not.
I was thinking today about why his suggestions felt uncomfortable to me. At first I was trying to label it passive aggressive, but it's not really aggressive, passive, yes, but not aggressive. I then I started thinking that I wanted a guy who would argue with me, when I am upset about something he did and that doesn't seem right either. I think I want a genuine "I'm sorry" when he really is contrite about something that he has done and just apologizing for anything and everything just seems like there is no true contrition, just trying to shut the woman up and stop conflict before it happens. I want to be able to discuss problems and work them out and when the man apologize immediately, then no discussion really happens. I want to be able to argue and that sounds wrong, but I don't think it is. I want to be able to argue and come to a resolution.
What I realized finally is that I want a man who will stand up for himself, fight fair and apologize if he has made a mistake. I also want a man who can say "enough" to me when I push things too far or when I am escalating an argument too much. I don't want a passive man who goes belly up at the first sign of conflict. I want to want to argue and be honest, while still being respectful. I don't want things to go unresolved, but I do want a man who has the ability to lovingly and firmly say, "Enough" and have the means at his disposal to make sure I honor and accept that.
This is a great thought post Cygnet. I agree, arguing can be a healthy way to resolve issues provided it is not done in an aggressive manner and that both parties really listen to the other and remain respectful of each other's views.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, a man who will step up and say "enough" ... end of conflict :)
Hugs,
Roz
Good post Cygnet. The approach that man is using strikes me as being dishonest. As much as I don't care for arguing, I would much rather have a man (or anyone for that matter) disagree with me than to just agree to keep from arguing. I was raised by a passive, aggressive mother and as much as I love her, passive or passive, aggressive pushes my buttons. ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd I definitely DO NOT want a man I can walk all over!
Blessings...
Cat
I hadn't thought of it that way, Cat, but I think you are right. How can you trust an apology as sincere if he is just saying it to avoid conflict? Is he really sorry?
DeleteI somehow think that you argue because you care about the topic and if you don't, you just go along to get along, so I find myself wondering how invested he is in a relationship if he retreats from every conflict.
And I totally agree with you that I don't want a man who I can walk on, but I almost go the feeling that he would agree and then do whatever he wanted, which is not so much allowing yourself to be walked on as putting your partner on total disregard. A leader needs to be able to step in and end the argument actively not passively.
There really is nothing wrong with a healthy argument, at least not in our house. We have ground rules about not hurting the other and my husband has the right to shut things down if they are escalating, but we can be mutually respectful and full of emotion and get somewhere. Interestingly enough Cygnet, a few years ago we couldn't. He'd get angrily passive and I'd eventually throw hurtful word bombs.
ReplyDelete