Thought I'd check in from the dating wars....
I got a strange e-mail last night that in thinking about how I wanted to respond made me realize something: the men that are good dominant men and not domineering men, need reassurance that they are doing things right. I know, that may not be a news flash to a lot of you, but in trying to find a relationship that works for me, I suddenly realized that when the relationship is new (and maybe not so new), the man needs as much reassurance from the woman as the woman does from the man.
I also realized that the women in these types of relationships tend to be very much caretakers. For me, that can show itself in a variety of ways: being bossy; refusing help when you need it; and generally trying to make sure everyone's needs are met, even when my own maybe aren't. That, I believe is the power position. I know it is in my life. I know that if I am the one doing all the giving, then, I don't owe anybody anything. I learned that coping skill when I was a very young girl and it worked for me,because I grew up in a family where the cost of allowing someone to do something for you was unknown, but it was never free and a lot of times the cost was higher than the value of what that person did for you. I have since me a lot of people who give without expecting anything, but it is a hard habit to break. I can make myself an island and not need anybody for anything and I can be strong and tough in my armor. I think when I am in the world, I need to do that. I can't afford to make myself vulnerable because when I am vulnerable, then I can lose and I really can't afford to lose.
That reassurance piece is critical in a relationship, when you are just getting to know each other, and especially when you are trying to form a more traditional relationship, I think the man needs reassurance that he is leading well and is "doing it right". Which kind of gets me though, is I somehow don't want to be the one having to be reassuring. I know that sounds selfish, but I guess I just want the man to magically be able to read me, and that is not fair. He wouldn't ask if he didn't care, but at the same time, I feel myself wanting to wave my hand and say, "What about me. I need reassurance too!" I think that is me wanting to be reassured that there isn't come hidden cost to letting him get close.
I also find myself wondering if maybe men who are trying to be leaders in a dd relationship aren't a bit more emotional about things. I think they try to do the stiff upper lip and brazen their way through, but under that lip is a lot of emotion that needs the woman's permission to be let out. I think it is a tricky balance though, because I also think there can be some men who want to be leaders but need to constantly be propped up and that SHOULDN'T be the woman's job.
I want to be a good companion and I want to be some who can be reassuring, but I need to have my needs met too, and I am not sure exactly how to ask for that and that position of power in which I am doing all the giving is comfortable or at least familiar, but at some level I want to give up power and I need a guy who wants that too and if I'm to have that, I can't be the one who is doing all the reassuring.
Hey Cygnet...You made a wonderful point about the difference between dominant and domineering men. In my experience, dominant men are actually more emotional in that they have firm values and feel strongly about them. Not sure if it's reassurance they want as much as it is acknowledgement. For example, Matthew refused to let me climb up to change a light bulb and insisted on doing it for me...he appreciated that I appreciated his consideration...if that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing to keep in mind is that in society today, if a man displays dominance of any sort, outside of the bedroom...and even that is in fantasy, it is seen as controlling and society tries to 'train' them to 'equality'.
It's a balancing act for both man and woman! Hang in there...you will find your other half! Sending lots of positive energy your way.
Blessings...
Cat
Thanks for the positive thoughts, Cat. I do so hope that I find my other half. I know they are out there and it is an odd thing, but where I live men showing dominance is actually pretty acceptable. It is even, dare I say it, expected.
DeleteThanks for all the positive energy, I need it!
See this is a tricky one for me. As you well know it took a lot of reassurance to get Barney to this spot. Now I know you are 'fishing ' in a pond that is supposed to have the Alpha Fish splashing around, but you know, I am not sure you want a man who starts out 'knowing' everything. Because every person and relationship is different. He might just need YOUR reassurance until he gets his footing with you.
ReplyDeleteI remember once in a job interview, the interviewer asked me if I was a leader or a follower. After a moment I said, I am an observer at first, one may assume I am a follower, but once I get comfortable, I am very much a leader. She replied something to the affect that that was perfect, and the type of person who can effectively lead then.
Ttwd is so tricky at times. Even the most DOMINANT experienced men need reassurance at times. I knew that before but know it even more after this weekend. Then there is the balancing act of HOH/Husband. How much does one share with their wife, so they don't come across as weak. Bottom line, the relationship has to come first, so if Barney needs me, he needs ME. Provided he doesn't show his insecurities while I am OTK. That is never good.
I know and understand exactly what you mean about YOU needing to be reassured. The thing is you may have to do a bit more reassuring before you get what you seek. If you have been doing it already, well maybe you need to talk to him about your concerns...
Good luck!
willie
I think I agree that I don't want to be with a man who thinks he "knows everything". I think each relationship is different and you have to start from scratch on each one. I think one woman's dominant man is another woman's controlling jerk :-).
DeleteI have to learn how to ask for reassurance I suppose and maybe not just with words.
Thanks, Wilma!
Hiya Cygnet. :)
ReplyDeleteI have been continually surprised over these past years as my husband and I have grown closer about just how much reassurance he needs. He literally needs me to tell him when he handles me well. He needs to hear that I have confidence in his skills at work. Thanking him for the simplest things really gives him a boost. It doesn't puff him up but gives him this right sense of confidence in himself. I didn't ever really understand how insecure men can be inside when they put on such a poker face, but I'm starting to get it. When I reassure him and build him up, he actually feels respected. Who knew?
On the other side, I think they don't always realize how much we need it from them as well. For me it looks different and obviously you know what I mean. When he reassures me I feel loved, embraced, more secure in our relationship.
We have been reading a couple books together. I don't know if you two do this but they are an easy read and are giving us a few good laughs as well as some "ah hah" moments. The author is Shaunti Feldhahn and the books are called "For Men Only" and "For Women Only". There's some God talk in them, but nothing that I think would make you overly uncomfortable.
I think that reassurance or acknowledgement (as Cat said) shows that we noticed. I think everybody wants to be noticed. I am working really hard at doing that in all my relationships. As I have mentioned before the guys around me notice and are ready to go to battle for me. I just have to find one of my very own so we can notice each other :-)
DeleteI don't think we are quite at the stage of reading books together, but I will keep those titles in mind. I looked at their descriptions and they sound very good. Thanks for recommending them.