Practicing Virtue

It's funny how we see people in life.  I had a conversation with one of my colleagues about a students that I knew what going to be a problem.  My colleague gave him the benefit of the doubt and then told me at the end of the semester that I had been right.  I mentioned another one that was going to be a problem and he was shocked, but I think he trusts my judgement on these students.  I have always been a pretty good judge of character from the first time I meet somebody.  That doesn't mean I don't like or don't get along with people who are going to be a problem.  I am pretty laid back and I really don't get ruffled feathers too much, but I can see what their character is pretty quickly.

On that note, I spent Christmas with a friend.  He has a wife who for all intents and purposes is treated as a child.  She has no responsibilities and rarely has an opinion on anything.  I think my friend likes that.  He likes being responsible for everything.  Many a time when I mention something about a conflict between couples he blames the wife and says he would divorce her if his wife acted that way.  I keep quiet, but I tend to think, "Words are cheap, Buddy. You didn't divorce your wife when early in your marriage she acted that way."

So, he was bad mouthing a mutual friend who he thinks is bossy and was a terrible wife.  Truth be told she can be pretty controlling, but as I tried to explain to him, she was married to a functioning alcoholic.  Which my friend knows, but, of course, the wife (well ex-wife now) is totally at fault and it is his opinion that she wouldn't have acted that way if she didn't already have those tendencies...maybe he is right...but did she come into the marriage behaving that way or did she have to embrace those latent qualities because her husband often didn't behave as an adult? By the way, I love her husband.  I always have.  I'm not sure how easy he would have been to be married to though.  In a nutshell, my friend doesn't like her.  Go figure!  What amused me to no end though, is that the woman he held up as a model of virtue and the perfect wife is about ten times more controlling than the one he doesn't like and she is combative, has few friends because she is so confrontational, and she fights constantly with her husband.  Her husband raves about how great she is and my friend only knows that side of her.  My friend hasn't seen her "in action".

So, now comes the chance to practice being virtuous for me.  I like both of the woman he talked about.  They are both friends and they both have their faults and failings like everyone does.  I know them much, much better than he does.  As I am listening to this diatribe, I think back on the conversation I had with a colleague (written about here) in which he said he was not going to tell me something because he didn't want me to change my opinion about somebody (I think it was his gentle way of saying he wasn't going to gossip).  So, it was the moment of truth, do I tell my friend the truth about the woman he thinks is so great or do I keep my mouth shut? I decided in that moment that it didn't really matter if my friend knew the truth or not.  He is not going to have any sort of relationship with either of the women in anything other than a superficial way.  The one he dislikes he never really associated with so it really wasn't important for me to defend her and it would have been of no good benefit to change his opinion about the one he does like.

Craig Ferguson (the comedian) says the way he judges whether he should speak or not hinges on three things: Does it need to be said?; Does it need to be said by me?; Does it need to be said right now?  The answer to all three of those questions in that moment was no. So, I practiced a little virtue and kept my mouth shut.  Now, if I can just make that a habit!