Saturday, September 14, 2013

How do you know this is what you want?

As I have written before, I am looking for a relationship.  I was contacted by a man recently who does want to be an HOH.  He has had one other dd relationship and said he "took to it like a duck to water".  We have had very long conversations and have found we have a lot in common outside of dd. One thing I told him right off the bat is that I want to know what kind of man he is before we can even discuss the discipline/control/HOH aspect of things.  I need to know we like each other and not find out down the track that the only thing we have in common is an interest in dd.  He has respected that and we are tentatively starting to explore what a relationship would look like.  We seem to have similar views on things.  I don't want to be under a high level of control.  I also don't want to be treated as a child.  I did talk to one man who wanted a little girl and while that is fine for some, it is not for me...I discovered that pretty quickly.  I did appreciate what he taught me about myself though and about needs and wants and desires.  I guess it was good to have a daddy type who was willing to help me explore a bit without any pressure.

The question that has presented itself, though, is: how do you know this is what you want? I like that there is a way to resolve conflict in relationships and move on.  I also like that I can be myself: strong, capable and confident and have the man like that.  I have dated men who say, "You intimidate me".  Yes, that it just not something I want to deal with.  I want a man who likes that I am accomplished.  The man I am currently speaking with says he thinks in a relationship you should be allowed to be all you can be.  There is a sexual aspect to this, also, and we both acknowledge that.  There is something attractive about a man who is strong enough to let me be all I am with no hiding.  There is also an attractiveness to having a man I can trust enough to yield all control over to him.  I think putting myself across his lap is the ultimate show of that trust and I think that is the turn on on both sides. 

I am still formulating my thoughts on this.  Would anyone out there in blog land be willing to answer that question if it were put to you before you were in a dd relationship (maybe you were asked this question as well):  How do you know this is what you want?  Further, once it came out of the fantasy world and became real:  How did you know that it was indeed what you wanted?  Did you know right away or did you slowly come to the realization after you embarked on the journey? I find I am by turns excited, nervous and even a little scared.  Did you all go through those feelings after you and your significant other decided to give dd a try?

20 comments:

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    1. I understand your apprehensions. I think my first question to you is what type of relationship are you seeking? A long term romantic/love relationship would have different parameters than a relationship based solely on a dating, or companionable relationship.

      The former I should think calls for a flexible agreement between both parties that would be fluid enough to change if and as necessary. The later could just be a severing of the relationship if either parties needs change or are not met.

      I think our wants and needs are fluid, so what you think you want may not be so at all. When I was younger I thought I would love a real HOH/DD relationship. Didn't happen and now I know, I just wanted that type of relationship when I wanted it and not on a full time basis. Obviously that doesn't work too well in a true HOH relationship.I am not a rule follower and don't like being told what to do, never have. However, I do like being spanked, have fantasized about it as long as I can rememeber, so that's what we do. Ray spanks me when I ask or when he wants (I ask more than he wants, unfortunately).

      So what I thought I wanted, wasn't what I wanted at all. It's a matter of give and take on both parts but until you actually try something you are never sure if that is truly what you desire.

      Give it a go and know that it may change.

      Don't know if this helps, but it is my opinion.

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    2. Thanks for your thoughtful response, Sunny. I am looking for long term romantic. All of this is way too intimate for me to enter into it casually without it involving love and romance. I think you are sooooo right when you say that wants and needs are fluid and that there has to be a lot of give and take.

      I guess what I am trying to ask and you alluded to it a bit was the first time you were spanked, how did you feel about it? What about the first discipline spanking (assuming there was one)? Were your fantasies met, or did they change? You thought you wanted an HOH relationship and then realized you didn't, was that because you experienced it, or just came to know yourself and Ray better?

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    3. There has never been a discipline spanking per se. When he has been annoyed at me and if there is a spanking during that time is usually more intense than usual. Our spankings are usually foreplay. I can think of only time when it wasn't, and that was very recent. However, when I say stop, I only get one or two more swats, if any at all. So it is not like some of the other blogs I've read and that is all I have to go by.

      As for fantasies, we both had them and yes they have changed, old ones replaced by new ones.

      Never had an HOH relationship. When we were first together and Ray would exhibit any dominance, if I agreed I went along, if not, I didn't. I was a pretty independent woman on my own when we met, much like you, so I only wanted it when I wanted it. It wasn't something we ever discussed, we just morphed into us.

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  2. I agree with everything Sunny said. I might have done well in a firm DD relationship for a while, but would only be good with a somewhat mind form in real life, with some 'boot camp' type weekends occasionally for our mutual enjoyment. We'd been married for 23 years before I asked so I'll say we knew each other pretty well. One thing I never found was a problem thought it worried Nick, he and I both wondered if a real spanking that hurt would not be liked as well as a fantasy one. I LOVED the real thing! And I still do.

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    1. Thanks PK! Your last line is what I am wondering about... what did you think about spanking when it came out of the fantasy world and into the real one? Were you surprised? Did your thoughts change about spanking?

      I agree about the mild form comment too. Once a guy gets too bossy or controlling I start to lose interest (lol). There has to be a happy balance and I think the guy I am speaking with understands that...thankfully!

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  3. Wow, good questions Cygnet. I have always been interested in spanking and have also always tended to defer decision making to others so would generally defer decisions to him anyway. We began spanking and Dominance/submission in play and over time decided we wanted to extend it from the bedroom and incorporated DD into our relationship. Ultimately, I guess maybe you can't really know until you try.

    i went through the exact feelings of excitement and nervousness you describe and still do from time to rime. Especially when we make adjustments to our dynamic. Even though we had spanked and toyed with Dominance and submission in play, this was a different ball game as it is a way of life, not a role play.

    The spankings as part of our dynamic, whether they be role affirmation or punishment, are totally different to the play ones because of the emotions involved etc. They have a more serious side to them. I don't necessarily enjoy the spanking itself at the time, but I do love the aftercare and what it does for us and the increased intimacy and connection.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thanks, Roz. I do think it has to be a slow progression. We are just getting to know each other and I think that is important. I do think the interest in spanking is the first piece for everybody at some level. I appreciate your mentioning wanting to defer decisions to him that is something I haven't considered....

      I wonder if the play spankings are different because you can hold back pieces of yourself, but with the new dynamic the emotions and feelings are more difficult to keep at bay. Also, I do desire the intimacy and connection and I wonder if a part of that is the trust but also the incredible risk that you are both taking. I wonder if maybe that isn't what it's all about at the root...that you both know that by you trusting him, it is costing you something and that is what makes it such a intimate experience.

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  4. Hello Cygnet

    Tough questions and good answers from above comments.

    The only one that can answer those questions you ask is you because no one knows you better than you do.

    My suggestion is to think about what it is you truly want, go slow and try it out to see if you like it.

    Bob

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    1. Bob, I think you are so right about going slow! We are definitely going slow since we both know that there be dragons down this path ;-) I also think you are right about trying it out to see if it works for us, but the trust needs to be built and I also think deciding if all the other pieces are there is important.

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  5. Hmmm. This is difficult to comment on. I brought ttwd to Barney after knowing him for over 20 years, together for 18 and married at the time for 16. So the trust was already there. I can't imagine building a relationship AND ttwd. I know that some have talked about it prior to their relationship taking flight, but waited until there was a solid foundation before stepping into it.

    While I believe most people who bring this relationship with their partner have a fascination with spanking, I don't know if we understood the degree in which it seriously affects us. As you know first hand Cynget, ttwd has been just as much as a person journey for me as it has been for a couple. Sounds very similar to what you described above. To me more than anything the physical anticipation and expectations were there and I suppose met, but it was the emotional ones that threw me for a loop. I hope that if you venture into a relationship with an HoH type man that you know that he will also be there to communicate. To be your sounding board, because to me personally THAT is just as important-the comfort to communicate every aspect of ttwd. NOT an easy task btw.

    To answer this... "I find I am by turns excited, nervous and even a little scared"...every time I get spanked, again mostly mental.

    Good luck in sorting out your thoughts. You know where to find me if you want a sounding board.

    willie

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    1. Hi Willie,

      I do think you are right about the fascination with spanking being the first piece, but then what...what happened when the fantasy became a reality?

      I think there is something about trusting someone enough to risk being hurt that is incredibly intimate. I keep coming back to those ropes courses where you have to trust the other person to be there and keep you from falling.

      I do wonder often about how we as women are taught to take care of others and not lean on anyone and given the message that if we need something from someone else we are just being a burden. I think that is the emotional part, where you let someone take some of your burden and you become vulnerable physically first which leads to you being vulnerable emotionally and that other person shows that they are worthy of that trust: that realization that you are safe even though all your guards are down, but I only think that those emotions can come when there is a risk involved.

      Thanks for the offer of the sounding board. Who knows where this is going to lead and I may need it!

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  6. Cygnet, you left a comment on one of my posts, and it was the only one I didn't answer--it was purely unintentional on my part-did not mean to be insulting.

    In response to the question, I guess it really is hard to answer. So many things are in the category of, "let's try it and see how it work." That has been true of Lynda and me.

    Perhaps if you said you interested in pursuing, as in trying and experimenting?

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    1. That's all right, Mick, you don't need to apologize, but thank you.

      I guess what I am wondering is what came before the "let's try this to see how it works"? Was there a fascination with spanking for both you and Lynda? What was it that made you finally want to try it out the first time?

      I kind of feel like I am being asked to give my thoughts on roller coasters without ever having been on one....lol....

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  7. Cygnet,

    What a great question!! As awful as this sounds, through all of the ups and downs of my own relationship, it never occurred to me to ask those questions of myself, even. Thank you for making me think about it!

    I brought DD up to Steven, not long after we started dating, but after we had been very good friends for years and years...our relationship was taking a quick turn to the toilet, and an awful lot of it had to do with my own rebellion and wanting to push. I've always loved and fantasized about a man strong enough to take me, just like I am, and make me want to listen to him. To enforce a set of rules, to give me a relief from the overwhelming guilt I feel when do mess up...

    At first, Steven was pretty opposed to the whole idea. Eventually, obviously, he came around. I love TTWD for the release it offers, on both parts. I love it because it gives us an opening to grow closer, to open and really hear the other. I know those are just basic aspects of communication--but, quite frankly, we're young and often stupid.(Not that all young people are...). I love the accountability of it. It feels safe and comfortable to me. Unlike many that have said they are relieved to not have a very discipline focused relationship--I do. Steven calls the shots about just about everything, and that's how we're comfortable. Not to say I don't think for myself, or don't make my own decisions and mistakes.

    Did it live up to my fantasies? It's much harder than I anticipated. I thought it would be a simple enough thing; it's not. Trust can be a painful, harrowing experience. With the level of openness and trust and vulnerability that's required here--it leaves a dangerous rawness that I couldn't be more thankful for. It hurt, physically, more than I'd expected. But I love it.

    I'd say go for it, girl. Give it a shot. There's an awful lot to gain. :)

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    1. Grace, thank you! I love the line "a man strong enough to take me, just like I am, and make me want to listen to him" I think there are a lot of men who don't want to take the time or effort to do that. I know if I ever find "the one" we will make this our own the same way you and Steven have made it your own.

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  8. Cygnet...I'll be back...I'm working on my answer in my head.

    Just so stinking busy.

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  9. I guess I'd pose a question back to you. What makes you question whether or not this is what you want?

    I think all the emotions you mentioned are perfectly normal given the circumstances.

    As far as my own experience, well, my husband and I had been married awhile when we decided to incorporate DD into our relationship. So, I have no experience with looking for a DD relationship. That said, if I look back I can see that many of the qualities that I was drawn to about my husband do lend themselves to this type of relationship. We tried out DD many years ago, but we didn't stick with it. We just weren't committed to it at the time and we let it go by the wayside. When we decided to incorporate it into our relationship again we knew we were committed to it right from the start. In between we explored D/s a bit, though not too seriously. So, to answer your question, when we first tried out DD we didn't know if it was what we wanted. Years later, with gained insight and experience we just knew.

    I'm not sure how helpful that is since you're looking to start out a relationship with DD. I guess my advice would be to make sure that there's a lot more to your relationship and compatibility than just an interest/desire in DD. With that in mind, why not move forward, get to know each other better and see where it takes you?

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  10. Cygnet,
    I know you know our story and how it got kinda complicated when we got married. While we thought we were going into marriage with DD, it is not what we ended up doing for a couple of years. I think going into it, I honestly did think it is what I wanted and there is no doubt that sexuality and just the attraction to each other (and what we had not allowed ourselves to do before marrying) entered into all of that. 3 years later when we gave this a try for real, yup, the cold hard light of day is different than the stories or what your head thinks it might be like. It's both better...and wonderful...and horrible all at the same time.

    So, all that to say that a ton of communication, being honest with your search and as safe as you feel, talking this all out with him can only help cement if this is what you really want. Honestly Cygnet, if he ends up being the one, you will start from square one anyway and only venture into this as each of you feel right in it. I think that is some of the beauty of starting a relationship with these intentions. There is so much less misunderstanding if you can communicate well.

    I have no idea if that made any sense. I'm enjoying a lime margarita. :)

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    1. Thanks, Susie. You made perfect sense, even with the lime margarita ;-) Going into this has made me (us) communicate about expectations and thoughts and feelings a lot more than I ever have at the beginning of a relationship and I do think if I ever do find "the one" there will be a lot less misunderstandings just because that need to communicate has been established right from the beginning. I know it won't be what either of us have imagined or fantasized about, but what relationship is?

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