In defending the decisions that they have made to have a dd sort of lifestyle, I often hear woman say, "I am not a door mat". That has always rung wrong with me and I have been giving it some consideration as to why it feels wrong to me. I know that the women who say it aren't door mats, but I guess I just find myself wondering why they aren't door mats. Is it because they don't allow themselves to be walked on or because the men they are with wouldn't walk on them, even if given the chance? I like to think it's the latter. I guess I think that because so much of dd is about trust and vulnerability that it feels like if she has to maintain some sort of control to keep from being walked on, then how do you move forward in trust and vulnerability? I get why people say it because they feel the need to defend their choice and there is worry about abuse and being taken advantage of....
Perhaps I would be more comfortable with "I am not treated like a doormat" with the unspoken part being..."I make myself vulnerable to him and he doesn't take advantage of that trust and walk on me."
Interesting point. I think when women say that they're not doormats, they're trying to allay the fear that they're subject to abuse. Their listeners, uncomfortable with the idea that any woman would voluntarily give up control, want to believe that a woman in this lifestyle has not really surrendered it, and this phrase lets them believe that. So the DD lady gets to tell the truth (that she's not a doormat) and the upset non-DD person gets to believe what they want (that the DD lady really retains control). The complicated truth—that the DD lady is not a doormat because she picked a good man and surrendered completely to him—remains a mystery that only the initiated can understand.
ReplyDeleteI think you have encapsulated it very well, Kevan. I guess the idea of needing to defend against the world's perceptions makes me a bit sad...and defensive...lol.
DeleteI can only answer for myself. I would never have married my husband if I had to worry about being treated like a doormat, regardless of our relationship dynamic. My husband has a dominant personality, but he's not domineering. He's a sweetheart whose main concern as far as our relationship is concerned is to make sure that I'm taken care of and happy.
ReplyDeleteI would never feel a need to say that I'm not a doormat if others didn't assume that I was just because of the D/s and DD aspects of our relationship. But people assume many things due to ignorance or their own relationship experiences. Thankfully, I rarely have to address such comments anyway.
What you said about your husband I can so agree with, Grace. If you have to worry about letting go and allowing him to be dominant, then you can't really let go. People do make assumptions every day and they are colored by their experiences and perceptions, but I think woman are "supposed" to defer to their men and if they do, they must be doormats (as Kevan said it is hard to understand outside the dynamic).
DeleteHumm. I get why people use the phrase and what is behind it.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, it has no place in any way of describing my relationship, so I would never use it. The closer we have become as a couple the more of a team we are. One friend sometimes reminds me that in DD circles men may be the Head of Household but most women remain the Heart of Household. It reminds me that we are in it together. Mutual vulnerability. I suppose if either of us felt like we were being walked on we would need to have a long and hard talk.
Like Grace just said, I suppose someone could look on, see me defer and make a terrible assumption but I hope most intelligent people would look a little longer and see something different.
It think that DD being something you do as a couple is the key. It is not something that MM does TO you, it is something you do together. Doormats don't really participate, they just lie there and take it. I like the idea of mutual vulnerability.
DeleteI think they are referring to the outside world when they say they are not a doormat. That just because they surrender, submit, defer to their husbands at the end of the day, they don't to any other person. In addition, surrendering, deferring or submitting in our relationships does not mean we do not have a voice. I think that is why people use that expression. I have a brain in my head, and I will use it! LOL.
ReplyDeleteI will also challenge the mindset that the submissive wife in a ttwd marriage is NOT in control. My reasoning, because I have chosen this life, to PUT my husband in control of our house, I can withdraw my consent at any time. I could indeed choose NOT to follow his lead. I am not saying I hang this over his head, but freedom of choice is in essence control in my mind. It is power. For a leader cannot lead if no one follows.
Would I use the term? No need to. People who know me, can honestly see, I am not a doormat, wall flower or shrinking violet! I serve my husband and he serves me.
I think that you choosing to give consent is what gives DD its power. Barney isn't taking anything from you that you aren't giving. I have heard it said that the woman in such relationships have all the power. I can see you agree ;-) Thanks for giving me something to think about, Willie.
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