So, I have questions for you all...that I hope you'll be willing to answer.
So, here's the first one.
When you are over your husbands lap, what is his role? By that I mean, you went over his lap because he is your husband, or dom or HOH, but once you are there, what is his role? Here are a couple of suggestions I have heard to sort of start the ball rolling..teacher? or disciplinarian? or some other word?
While you are over his lap, what is your role? I don't even know what words to use here...
Here's another question, I have read of many who have been told to just be themselves, but if being yourself is to be very controlled and "good" why should you not be those things? By that I mean, do you want to shift the control over your behavior to someone else and allow yourself to act out? Should you only have to be "good" when it comes naturally? So, when there is an effort of the will to behave, should you not exert that will, but instead allow your husband to seize the control to get you to the place of behaving were it IS easy and does feel good and effortless?
Just some random thoughts and questions I have had...
Okay wow....
ReplyDeleteFirst answer....husband. I don't mean to sound trite but this is our life now, and that is his role, so that is his 'title' which is all encompassing.
Second answer, well
Being in control for me is a fearful reaction. I feel the need to control situations so that I can 'relax' but in truth it causes way more angst, and anxiety. This then causes walls to be put up to deal with those feelings, and the cycle goes 'round and 'round. In truth then my core is hidden from the world. My true 'me' is not projected out.
Being 'ourselves' doesn't really have to do with control. When our husbands say be yourself, they mean don't stuff down your emotions. Let them out, we will deal, and move on. Stuffed emotions = walls and road blocks.
Since starting ttwd, I have become way more playful, and yes sassy. Not to be confused with disrespectful. A fine line to walk, for sure. I am much more free and fun loving again. Letting go of control makes me lighter.
I think if you seek ttwd because you find yourself controlling, that isn't who you genuinely are. There is a desire there to let that go.
Thanks, Wilma, okay so let me rephrase that question...in his role as husband, what is he trying to accomplish when you are over his lap? Is he trying to teach you something? Is he trying to work out his anger? Is he trying to make you feel his dominance? What is the overarching goal at that moment for him and for you?
DeleteYour comment about being more sassy, I think starts to get at what I am trying to understand. You held yourself in check more before TTWD and didn't behave certain ways (playful, sassy)...so why do you think you do it now? And did doing those sassy, playful things come naturally like a door being opened or did it come on slowly as your relationship dynamic changed. Do you let go of control and think "Barney will handle the situation"? Or "Que sera, sera?"
Thanks for your thoughts, Wilma!
otk...he is trying to bring me 'back' . Break down walls, reset. I suppose exert his dominance.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you will truly understand my answer Cygnet without experiencing it. They did become natural ( again ) being playful and sassy. I was too busy being weighed down with control to allow myself to 'just be'. Again I don't know if there is a way to let others see what 'just being' actually is if you haven't had the freedom to experience it. Or maybe the vast majority of people just are, and I wasn't before? It wasn't a case of 'holding myself in check' it was more a case of smothering myself with suppression. Burying all emotions, both good and bad as you really can't control your emotions. THAT is the very difficult part of ttwd, the lack of control, especially at the start, when the door starts to open. This is why you will hear of women crying all the time, or arguing more with their spouses in the start. All of these emotions swirl around and no one knows quite what to do with them in the beginning. Fortunately they do level out. But without walls, it takes some real getting used to.
As for letting go of control, it is like bungee jumping. 100% utterly terrifying, but the chips will fall where they may. Sometimes the snap back is brutal, but eventually the bounces up and down become littler and after all the jostling, the exhilaration can be felt. That doesn't make it any easier to jump the next time though!
Thanks, Willie! I don't know why I went all formal on you...probably lack of sleep from texting with a man :-)
DeleteYou are right I probably can't understand until I am there, but I do appreciate you trying to explain :-).
I will probably write another post soon with all the thought swirling around in my head about "in that moment why are you there and what is the point" I am not explaining myself very well, I know. Maybe a better way to ask the question is what's in it for you and what's in it for him (in that moment not afterwards) and why are you there? Still working on putting words to my thoughts. Thanks again, Willie, for taking the time to write.
I agree with Wilma that my husband is always the husband no matter where we are or what we are doing. And I am his wife and partner. Out of respect, I call him sir while I am OTK. But he calls me he loving words towards me.
ReplyDeleteThe main reason that I am given a spanking is to pay for my mistakes. Once he spanks, all is forgiven. And it really is. My guilt is gone and we don't dwell on it anymore. The spanking also relives me of my guilt for what I have done too. There are times that I feel worse about what I did and I find it really hard to forgive myself. The spanking clears everything up. Which is so much better than before when the mistakes, accidents and other failures were thrown back in my face over and over and I would do the same towards him. Now we talk and things are worked out. No, he does not get spanked if he messes up. If and when it happens, this would be something that we discuss and he can fix it and make things right. I trust him to do the best for our family
I am not quite clear about what you are asking in your second question. I am generally a very kind and giving person. I love them unconditionally. With our roles now being more defined, I don't need to be different. What I need to be is respectful. I do my job, he does his. I would describe our way to my every day friends that we have a 49/51 % relationship. We discuss, we listen and in the end he has the final say. Even if I may not like the decision, I will not fight him over it and I will support his decision. That trust is not always easy for me but that is what I have agreed to. Being respectful and trusting him, my husband has come to treat me so much better and we are closer now then ever before. There is still venom that will spit out of my mouth at times and I may mess up with things but we work it out now and I haven't changed at all. Well except I don't treat him with contempt and anger but instead with trust and respect. We all deserve to be treated that way. And Ty would be the first to tell you that I am an over protective momma bear and wife. I will tell you what I think and I will fight for my beliefs. He says that I am full of "piss and vinegar" when I want to be.
Oh my gosh, I wrote a book. Sorry... I hope that you can find the peaceful medium that you feel comfortable. I hope that you don't let him dominate him but instead that he loves you and respects you. You are an adult and should always be treated as one and act like one.
-B
Thanks, Blondie. What you say about the guilt is probably a good analogy for me too. I like to get along with people and not rock the boat and I feel bad when that doesn't happen...even when I realize I am right (lol). I tend to be quick to forgive others, but tend towards self flagellation. I remember one man telling me I wasn't allowed to punish myself because I was far to severe and he was right.
DeleteI guess my last question was more about letting it all hang out (not in a disrespectful way) but just not trying to be so self controlled. I don't know how else to say that...hmmm...I think Willie had something when she talked about not stuffing the emotions, just letting them come out, but I also think it is sort of about not imposing self limits that aren't necessary or freeing yourself of them and letting your husband handle it...I'm not sure what I mean (lol).
Thanks for the book! I am a big reader, so for you to take the time to put down your thoughts is very kind.
I totally agree with your last couple of sentences and some of the men I have met have been too domineering and controlling for my taste. I do need to be treated like and adult and be allowed to act like one as well!
Thanks!
Okay...not going to read the other's comments...even though they are from women I respect a ton. I'll get all sidetracked.
ReplyDeleteMy husband's role (when I am over his lap) is to take care and take charge of me. It is the most vulnerable physical place we have experienced and it is where he removes my control of the physical in order to help me let go of control emotionally. It's his job to watch me, to judge where I am at, to discipline me if that is what works in that moment, to love and care for me. He breaks down walls that I have built up and then carefully puts me back together again.
My role is pretty simple. Submit, obey, let go. We have no rules here...I can fight it if I need to or be completely calm. His request though is almost always to get to the point where I let go of whatever is all balled up inside me. He will coax me to let it out and give up the control to him. It doesn't always work, but I do try.
I'll answer the second question in a more round about way. I am good as gold some days and it is not so much out of effort as it is a place of happy contentment. When I am not there, when I wake up feeling like a jerk MM does expect me to try to turn it around. It's not like I ought to act out just b/c I can and I feel ugly. At the same time, he wants honesty so if I'm crabby, he would prefer if it came out (not horribly of course) than if I were to stuff it down in order to stay out of trouble. He will do all sorts of things to help me turn a day around but he will draw the line at disrespect. Once I go there, I get "help."