Self Preservation and learning to waltz

I have been considering why people pull back from love and affection and attention from their partners and I think to a large extent, it is about self preservation.  I think that need to preserve yourself happens when confidence in the other person is lost or damaged. For women in DD relationships it seems that they can willingly submit when there is a high level of trust and they seek that companionship and love from their partners. I think the men in the relationship can more effectively lead when they know that their woman are supportive of their role as leader and forgiving of their missteps.  I think men tend to go into self preservation mode when they feel they have made a mistake and begin to beat themselves up about it. 

So, I was thinking about building that trust.  I think a big part of that is knowing that your man wants to help you be in willing submission.  That mean that you are communicating and also I think that means that he is considering what he can do differently to help you embrace your role.  Ultimately it seems that when he is considering how his actions affect your actions that means he is paying attention which makes you trust him more. For the men, I think that if they know they have the support of their partners and know that they aren't expected to be perfect (even though they want to be), they are more willing to take chances and find the path that works best. 

Since I am just trying to find a relationship, I think that so much of this is about building a foundation and not skipping to the construction before we have a steady base of trust, communication, friendship and a genuine like of each other.  I think sometimes people are so focused on the goal that they tend to sacrifice the foundation.

I do often think of this as a dance.  If you are going to dance together, one must lead and one must follow.  The more confident the man is in leading, the easier it is for the woman to follow.  There are times in every dance where the woman yields and there are times in every dance where the man yields.  If you are good partners and are together in how you move the waltz is beautiful  You have to have a steady foundation of good communication and willing submission if you are ever going to waltz perfectly together

Not a door mat

In defending the decisions that they have made to have a dd sort of lifestyle, I often hear woman say, "I am not a door mat".  That has always rung wrong with me and I have been giving it some consideration as to why it feels wrong to me.  I know that the women who say it aren't door mats, but I guess I just find myself wondering why they aren't door mats.  Is it because they don't allow themselves to be walked on or because the men they are with wouldn't walk on them, even if given the chance?  I like to think it's the latter.  I guess I think that because so much of dd is about trust and vulnerability that it feels like if she has to maintain some sort of control to keep from being walked on,  then how do you move forward in trust and vulnerability? I get why people say it because they feel the need to defend their choice and there is worry about abuse and being taken advantage of....

Perhaps I would be more comfortable with "I am not treated like a doormat" with the unspoken part being..."I make myself vulnerable to him and he doesn't take advantage of that trust and walk on me."

How do you know this is what you want?

As I have written before, I am looking for a relationship.  I was contacted by a man recently who does want to be an HOH.  He has had one other dd relationship and said he "took to it like a duck to water".  We have had very long conversations and have found we have a lot in common outside of dd. One thing I told him right off the bat is that I want to know what kind of man he is before we can even discuss the discipline/control/HOH aspect of things.  I need to know we like each other and not find out down the track that the only thing we have in common is an interest in dd.  He has respected that and we are tentatively starting to explore what a relationship would look like.  We seem to have similar views on things.  I don't want to be under a high level of control.  I also don't want to be treated as a child.  I did talk to one man who wanted a little girl and while that is fine for some, it is not for me...I discovered that pretty quickly.  I did appreciate what he taught me about myself though and about needs and wants and desires.  I guess it was good to have a daddy type who was willing to help me explore a bit without any pressure.

The question that has presented itself, though, is: how do you know this is what you want? I like that there is a way to resolve conflict in relationships and move on.  I also like that I can be myself: strong, capable and confident and have the man like that.  I have dated men who say, "You intimidate me".  Yes, that it just not something I want to deal with.  I want a man who likes that I am accomplished.  The man I am currently speaking with says he thinks in a relationship you should be allowed to be all you can be.  There is a sexual aspect to this, also, and we both acknowledge that.  There is something attractive about a man who is strong enough to let me be all I am with no hiding.  There is also an attractiveness to having a man I can trust enough to yield all control over to him.  I think putting myself across his lap is the ultimate show of that trust and I think that is the turn on on both sides. 

I am still formulating my thoughts on this.  Would anyone out there in blog land be willing to answer that question if it were put to you before you were in a dd relationship (maybe you were asked this question as well):  How do you know this is what you want?  Further, once it came out of the fantasy world and became real:  How did you know that it was indeed what you wanted?  Did you know right away or did you slowly come to the realization after you embarked on the journey? I find I am by turns excited, nervous and even a little scared.  Did you all go through those feelings after you and your significant other decided to give dd a try?