A Revealing Christmas

Every year, I go back to where I was raised and spend time with my brothers and nieces.  My parents are both dead.  We have a good time together, but we aren't really involved in each other's lives on a day to day basis.  My brothers all live pretty near each other and do things together like Thanksgiving and birthdays, but since I am so far away, I really don't think about it.  Some family secrets came out this year and I think that was for the best.

So, I always felt that I was probably an oops baby since I was born when my mother was 40 and there is a huge age difference between me and my next oldest brother.  My dad had said that they kept trying until they got a girl and at Christmas this year, my middle brother said the same thing.  So, maybe that is true, but I still feel like I was a burden to them, so I guess I didn't fulfill whatever the fantasy of "a girl" meant.  So, it's good to know I was at least wanted before I actually arrived.  Even if I didn't live up to what they wanted after I arrived.

The other revelation of Christmas was about uninvolved parenting.  As I said above, I always felt like a burden to my parents.  I had my own key at 10 and let myself into an empty house.  They were gone three or four evenings a week when I was growing up and I just always felt like I had to take care of my needs on my own.  I didn't think I had the same experience that my brothers did because my middle brother always painted a rosy picture of how things were for him growing up.  But this Christmas, my oldest and youngest brothers were just talking and some how I mentioned that I always felt like our parents were uninvolved and that's when the bombshell dropped.  They had EXACTLY the same experience.  They felt like they were free to do whatever they wanted.  I said I thought I could have built a bomb in the garage and our parents would never have known. They agreed that they could have and did build bombs without them knowing.  Then the second bombshell hit, my youngest brother said that our parents never wanted him to bother them.  He thought they were alcoholics!  Yikes! I remember my dad drinking a lot after my mom died, but I thought that was just grief.  He said they finished off a fifth of scotch a night.  I don't even know how much that is, but he thought 14 drinks a piece since they drank it with water.  What??????

I realized then that I had really disconnected with them and didn't even notice how much they drank as I was growing up, because I was trying so hard not to be a burden.  Then the youngest brother said, "I don't think our mother really wanted to be a mother."  Later my middle brother said almost the same thing and he was the one who was probably closest to our mother and always sort of stood up for her.  I guess the gloves are off which I think is a good thing.  Thinking back now, I remember he used to draw her fire too when she would come after me.  One time in particular, I had been called to the dinner table and I opened a closet door on my way.  She has stored some florescent light tubes in there and they fell and broke and she lit into me about how I should have come to the table and how dangerous these tubes were.  That middle brother told her that they broke the tubes into the dumpster behind the store where he worked all the time and talked her down, I think, while he cleaned up the glass.

I mentioned how there was always a price tag to anything she did for me and that I did my best to cut her out of the equation to get what I needed/wanted so that I wouldn't have to pay the unknown price.  I told them how she would get angry with me when I end ran her and how much work it was to get what I needed.  I always thought it was better to not involve her and if I couldn't accomplish it, I did without.  My youngest brother nodded and said, you shouldn't have had to do so much organizing as a kid.  Yep!

One story I told was about how I needed books in junior high.  We always went to school before to get the books and I had arranged to get a ride with a friend's mother and my mom was still asleep when I left (now I find myself wondering if she was a later sleeper because she had had too much to drink).  I don't think she thought about me needing the books, but she wasn't happy when I came home with them.  I always thought she would be happy that I wasn't burdening her, but maybe she was upset because of how it looked to my friend's parent.

I am sitting here typing this and crying because I don't know what to do with all of this new knowledge.  I have cried about this before, but I always thought it was just me and some how I was lacking and now I know it was ALL OF US!!

So, more research on uninvolved parenting and I find that children raised by uninvolved parents tend to have substance abuse problems, check for two of my brothers.  The middle one (he likes to be in control) gave it up when he was in his twenties saying he thinks he was allergic to it, but maybe he just didn't want to go down the path of our parents.  The older one has been an alcoholic most of his adult life although, I think he has given it up know and the youngest told me he quit in 2009.  They learn they must provide for themselves (yep, in spades for all four of us).  They fear becoming dependent on other people (my oldest married a woman who was manic depressive and used him for his money and then left him after physically abusing him.  The second one married a woman who is willing to be very submissive to him so he can be in control.  He talks a lot about bossy women and not liking them.  He mentioned our niece is bossy (her father said that was why she split up with her boyfriend) and I reminded him that both of her parents were alcoholics and she needed to take charge and that hopefully she will find a man who makes her feel safe enough to not have to be in charge.  He nodded and got quiet when I said that.  The youngest brother has never married and neither have I.  I guess I, too, am looking for a man who will make me feel safe enough to not have to be in control all the time.  Emotionally withdrawn is another characteristic.  Check again.  I know I tend that way, but I fight it. My middle brother didn't even have friends growing up and now as an adult his friends are all older.  I told him how glad I was that he had found a group of people to be friends with.  He does a lot for them, he is the caretaker, but I can't help feel like that allows him to remain in control since the giver is the one in control.  Delinquency during adolescence is another.  My youngest brother faced that one. 

Thankfully, both of my brothers who have daughters have tried to be very involved with their girls and they do seem to have a close relationship with them.  I had a close relationship with my dad after my mother died, but I think it was more about companionship than father/daughter and he kicked me to the curb as soon as he married his second wife.    Both of my nieces had difficult relationships with their mothers growing up, but seem to be working on rectifying that, but they weren't really mothered growing up either.

We all responded as best we could to the parenting we had and we are all relatively successful, but we carry scars.  I guess everybody has scars since we are all raised by imperfect human beings.  I wish I knew what to do with all this knowledge.  I have heard knowledge is power, so maybe now that I know, I can fight more successfully against this upbringing.  It sure does make clear why I invented an imaginary daddy when I was growing up.  He still comes to visit on occasion.  :-)

Update on dating

Well...it has been a long time since I have been here.  My life got really busy when I started working.   I am struggling a bit with whether or not to stay at the job.  The man who orchestrated me being hired is strongly encouraging me to apply for a fulltime job that has opened. I think I can do the job and I think I would like it.  The problem is that there is a woman here who has been working here for 14 years and is heir apparent to the position that has opened. 

The man who got me here and I had a long talk about all of this on Friday.  He is of the opinion that the current woman is not as capable as I am and that being in a job a long time does not make you heir apparent.  I told him that I am hesitant because I don't want to be in a hostile work environment and I am sure if I were to get the job, the woman who didn't would be angry.  He said he understood and proceeded to tell me the issues he has with her and some history and ended with hoping I would apply but that he understood if I didn't.  Ugh!  I'm really not sure what to do.  The thing is that the job for her is probably the only one she can get, although, she would still be employed, just not at the higher rate.  I can probably find a job anywhere since I have more skills than she does.

In other news, I am still dating.  There is one man I have seen three times.  After our first date, we met on line, he kissed me.  He also kissed me after the second date.  That is a bit of a rush for me and I really don't feel anything yet.  Then - date three - I took the risk and went to his house for a cookout.  He didn't even clean his house!  It was just sort of piled everywhere.  He said he hadn't cleaned it so that I could see how he was  - I guess that was sort of an apology?  Anyway, after dinner and a movie, we got back to the kissing again.  I finally indicated that it was time to go home.  We were kissing and I just didn't feel anything.  I'm not sure if I feel like this is a rush or if I am just not attracted to him.  Physically, he doesn't do much for me, but he is smart and funny which is a turn on for me. He was a gentleman and after some more kissing in the driveway I went home.  I have heard from him yet.  Ugh!

Then date number two of the weekend was with a man who is in the army.  We met at a coffee shop and talked about all kinds of things. He has 13 children.  The youngest of which is 1 year old.  I have been wanting to have children, but wow, having 13 in my life, I don't know.  This guy I actually laughed out loud with and at the end of the date, he asked if he could hug me.  I didn't feel rushed or like I was being pushed into anything.  So, I was more attracted to him.  He sent me a note on the dating site saying he was glad to meet me. 

I sure do wish I could find the one and just date him.  Ugh!

Oh, and I got a message on a dd dating site that said "Send pictures".  Now that's attractive, isn't it?  Ugh, isn't dating grand?  By the way, I hope all of you in a relationship will give a huge kiss to the man in your life.  You are lucky women!

Cygnet

In the midst of sexist pigs, men kneeling?

So, I have a new job.  I guess you all mostly know that.  As I have spoken to the women who work here a lot of them speak of the sexist atmosphere in which they work.  The men that they say are sexist, I really haven't had a problem with, mostly probably because I don't interact with them too much. 

So, here's the curious part.  There is one man I work with quite a bit.  He is the go to guy for a lot of people.  Yesterday at a meeting, I looked over to see him kneeling next to a woman and discussing something with her...yes kneeling on both knees,  Then I looked over at the man who was facilitating the group and again when he was talking to a women, he went down on one knee so he was talking to her face to face. 

Just an observation that I'm not sure what to make of...hmmmmm.

And so it continues

So, I haven't been around for a while.  I guess I have been sort of feeling sorry for myself and trying to get out of the funk I have been in about dating in general.  So, here's the latest and greatest.  I have an overuse injury of my shoulder.  I have been going to the physical therapist and I leave each time with some major bruises.  Ever heard of cupping?  Yeowch and it leaves bruises, not to mention the therapist's finger prints all over my arm.  I have also been going to a massage therapist...yeowch!  I guess I never really realized how connect all the muscles are, so the short story is that your biceps are attached to your traps and if your lats are too tight, your traps tend to compensate which affects your biceps...or something.  Suffice it to say that I never realized how painful having your arm pits and sides massaged can be.  On the up side, it seems to be working.  So I'll keep going.

The new job is going well, but I am hating the hour commute.  I am learning lots, so I think that I might be able to find something closer to my home at some point in the future.  The guy responsible for getting me the job, a really sweet man, was asking me the other day if I was looking.  I told him I was, but what I was doing was fine, although I was not fond of the commute.  So, I can walk away from that job if I need to without guilt.  Which is grand.

So, updates on my dating life....

Remember the guy that bought me chocolate?  Well, he texted me the next weekend about talking and promised to call.  Guess what!  He didn't! I haven't heard from him since.  Ditto the guy I met the next weekend who has major issued with his ex-wife.

I met a few more guys and one was even a veterinarian which would have melded very well with my love of all animals.  But he had been divorced 16 years ago and had gotten prostate cancer and was dumped by his girl friend of 4 years and then took up with a new girl friend who saw him through the cancer and they split up after 11 years.  We met at a Mexican restaurant where at the end of the meal we split the bill and then I got a long song and dance e-mail about how he didn't think we fit because of the prostate cancer.  I wrote him back a long e-mail about how if he thinks he isn't man enough because he has to use chemicals (his word) to have sex he needs to stop it!  I said a few more things which then he became interested, with all kinds of comments about how he needed to wait to get married and he wasn't sure he would ever want to again.  I am not rushing to the altar, but clearly he wants to have all the benefits of being married with out the commitment.  I told him he seemed to be pushing me away with both hands and moved on.  Oh, oh and when he is in town, he stays at his ex-girlfriend's house...yeah...definitely moving on!

I met a man who is an RN and works with children with Type I diabetes.  We seemed to hit it off and we even went hiking together.  We texted all this week, and he even invited me to go to a jazz festival last Thursday.  I already had plans, so then things went to radio silence.  He's been married twice so that concerns me a bit.  But he seemed nice.    So since he didn't seem to want to do anything this weekend, I went out with a nice man who is about 7 years younger than me, has two kids and has a fulltime job (believe me, this is a valuable thing, it is amazing the number of men who don't work- the vet I mentioned above doesn't and is trying to minimize his income so he qualifies for government assistance).  I never realized how important finding a man who has a job is to me, until recently.  We had a great time!

We talked for about two hours and he asked as we were leaving it I wanted to do it again.  The doubts kicked in a bit on the drive home because we met on a website, but after we met, he didn't ask for my phone number or e-mail address.  So, I tried to self talk myself into the "Que sera, sera" mindset.  Well, I just checked the website and he sent me a note thanking me and asking if we can do it again.  Things may, I repeat, may be looking up!  Please God, I hope so!