Be easier on yourself

So, one of the students in my class beats himself in the head with his hands and calls himself stupid.  He berates himself under his breath non-stop.  I told him tonight that he couldn't do that.  He needs to be easier on himself because berating himself is not productive.  He said he can't stop himself.  I said look around, everybody is struggling, you have to stop being so hard on yourself.  The rest of the students do their best to ignore it, but there are giggles when he gets really bad.  He said he tells himself to calm down but he can't.  I said you are just learning, repetition will help.  He says he can't remember the important stuff.  I wonder if I should start threatening to take points away if he keeps degrading himself (giggle) or tell him that kind of talk is not allowed!  Maybe he would respond to me getting all dominant on him...lol.

Now, I have gone down the self-flagellation route a few times, but I can't keep it up.  I can't beat myself up like that for more than a couple of days and then my happy spirit returns unbidden. How does someone get into that kind of habit?  I do think we should be gentle with ourselves.  I feel for the most part we are doing the best that we can and it won't get better with that kind of self-criticism.  It just makes me sad that someone feels that they deserve that kind of treatment from anyone, including himself. 

Red Flags

So, I have been e-mailing with someone, not very much, just a couple of times and he comes at me with:  "You said X on your profile and that sends up red flags."  So, he contacted me originally and now after only four e-mails he wants to talk about red flags? 

I can't help but feel like either A) He shouldn't have contacted me if he thinks there are red flags, or B) asked the question more like "You said X on your profile, why is that the case?'  or something. 

I am feeling judged before I even get a chance to show who I am and I should we really be getting into red flags before we have done anything more than e-mail a couple of times? I can't help but feel like he is trying to pre-judge me to see if I am worth his time to get to know. 

Am I over reacting?  Are things so different now, that it is okay to ask questions in that way when you barely have even corresponded?  Is that the way he conducts all his relationships, with such a confrontational manner?  I think I need a more gently touch.  I don't know what I need, but that for me just sits wrong.

I am really confused by this one!  Am I wrong? 

Gossip

So, there is always a gossip mill where every you are. Who's in who's out, blah, blah, blah.  So, I was just chatting with a colleague about things, just things and he said, "I would tell you more, but I don't want you to change your opinion about so and so".  That took me back several steps, but I kind of like it.  It made me realize that there is a certain safety in knowing that if they won't talk about others to you, you can probably assume that they won't talk about you to others.

In other news, not much news on the dating front.  I am trying not to get discouraged.  I just wish I knew what to do differently and I just don't...sigh...

Are you strong enough?

So, I wrote this a while ago, but I have been thinking about it a lot.  I thought I would put it here, so I can read it every now and then...

Are you strong enough to be my man?

Are you strong enough to realize that when my light is shining its brightest, yours is not diminished one iota?

Are you strong enough to encourage that light, fanning the flame and rejoicing in the warmth, rather than trying to smother it because it can be threatening in its might?

Are you strong enough to accept that I can survive without your care?

Are you strong enough to accept that while I don’t need you, I want you, and want is far superior to need because it implies a conscious consent of the will?

Are you strong enough to know that every bit of control I yield to you is the highest compliment I can possibly pay to who you are?

Are you strong enough to accept what I give without trying to greedily take more?

Are you strong enough to realize that patient hands and eyes and lips will lure me far more readily than force, because controlled power is infinitely more attractive than powerful displays?

Yes, you can force your will on me, but at that point, who I am will be driven so far into hiding that you will no longer recognize me. I am a survivor and I know how to protect myself from force.  I have had to do it far too often.

Are you strong enough to reach past anger and fear and defensiveness to touch the hidden quivering spirit inside of me?

Are you strong enough to wait, hand extended, for me to place my willing hand in yours? For I will reward that patience by putting that tiny flame that is my deepest self into your care, knowing that all this time it has been protected for you and I am at last safe to put it into your keeping.   

I am power and I am strength, but I am also fragile and delicate, not easily made vulnerable except by someone with that quiet, perceptive maleness for which that I long.

So, tell me, are you strong enough?

A Kindness Teacher

When I was growing up, I was always very careful to never let people do too much for me because I felt that I owed them.  I am sure that is because whenever my mother did something for me, I did owe her. I knew that being the giver was the power position.  But of late, I find that people want to do things for me and I am starting to be okay with letting them.  I don't always have to be the strong, in charge one, the "I can do it myself" one.  I kind of like that I am softening up a little bit in that area.

So, along that line, I have a terrific boss.  He does do little things for me and doesn't mention it.  For example, we get student evaluations, for the last four years, my boss has taught all the classes in our department (yes, one guy) until I came along.  So, I get student evaluations, that are for the most part helpful and since I am new to teaching I try to see how I can apply what they say.  Well, this last semester I was hearing a lot of we would rather have your boss teaching the class and I teasingly told him that they love him.  He has been super supportive telling me that they are just testing me, that he got the same sorts of comments when he first came.  He also had me compare the grades I was giving the students with the grades that he was giving the same students in the classes he still teaches.  He said he wanted to do that so that I would see that I am not being any harder on them than he is.

So, student evaluations arrived in an envelope over Christmas vacation.  I was alone in the office and decided to read what was written since I was pretty sure I was going to get creamed in that class.  There was one in particular that said I shouldn't be teaching the class that anyone else would be better (anyone else being my boss).  So, I put the evaluations back in the envelope and figured I'd get them when he handed them out.  So, today they came to me from my bosses hands and guess what...that comment was mysteriously gone from the evaluations (they are hand written and then copied on to one sheet of paper).  He actually went in and got rid of that comment, which would have required some cutting and pasting with scissors.  I think that is terribly sweet, kind and thoughtful and in my recent past, I am not sure I would have appreciated it as much as I do now.  The even kinder part is that he doesn't know that I know, so I can't/won't thank him.

Now another semester has arrived and I am again teaching a class that he used to teach.  One of my students came in on one matter and we ended up discussing the class, afterwards, my boss asked me if we had discussed the matter she came in for originally and I said yes but we had also discussed the class that I was teaching.  He said that he thought that I would be giving her exactly what she had been looking for in that class. He says he thinks I will do a better job of teaching it than he did.

I said when I started this blog that I would be looking for good teachers on how to be a swan.  I think I've found one!

I thought I was a hard person to match

So, on-line looking is a very interesting project.  I thought finding a guy who wanted to be the leader in our relationship, who could be dominant without being domineering was going to be tough...I got an e-mail today from a food reductionist (I had never heard of that), but here is the explanation: 

"My food cravings are controlled because I'm a food reductionist. Where you see ice cream I see lard and water. And so on. Although I do bake my own organic bread to avoid eating plastic and sugar, which appear to be the main ingredients in store bread. The way to my (unclogged) heart is definitely not through my stomach. One benefit of being a food rube is that it's easy to watch my weight."

I'm going to send back a polite thanks for your interest, but I don't think we are a good match response.  I don't think I am going to have as much trouble as he is...I feel for the guy!

Being a shrew

So, I have never watched an entire episode of The Kardashians, but I have watched enough to know I don't want to be like them!  I hate to see the way that Kris Jenner treats her husband, Bruce.  There was one episode at the end of which,  Bruce had actually placed a mattress in the garage and was sleeping on it.  I am not sure of all the details that led up to that, but it had something to do with him wanting to put his motorcycle in the garage and Kris not wanting it to block her cabinets.  So, I lost respect for him, since he put up with that and I lost respect for her because she was unreasonable and disrespectful.  It is an odd thing how much more I am aware of how women speak to men.  I wonder why after all this time, when I am finally looking for someone to spend my life with, I am suddenly aware of the shrewishness (I like to create words, so just go with it) of my own sex.  Is it just more prevalent or have I just not noticed it?  Then I find myself wondering if I have been guilty of it myself. I hope that the man I find won't let me get away with it if I am guilty of it. I would hate to have someone look at me and think the things that I think about Kris Jenner. 

Today in church, the minister mentioned that there is a word for being a servant to self and only listening to self and it is Kardashian (he said it in a joking manner, but I think he was serious).  I can't disagree.