It's about service

So, I have been reading a lot of blogs about how people interact within their marriage.  I have come to think it is a lot about being in service to one another.  Wives who behave a certain way and submit to their husbands wishes as a way to show their love and be in service to their men and their marriage.  The same is true of the husbands, they watch their wives carefully and give them what they are looking for and need (even if they don't think they do right in that moment).  I remember a definition of "adult" I heard a long time ago that seems apropos.  It is "A child can only look inward and adult can look outward".  I think that is what that idea of service is all about.  When we look at how we can help the other person get their needs met, when we set aside our desires (not needs) to be in service to the marriage and each other.

Another thought I had about this is a description of heaven.  It says heaven and hell are set up exactly the same way.  Everyone is sitting at a round table with food in the very middle of the table and they all have these very long spoons.  It is impossible to get the food into your own mouth.  In hell everyone starves.   In heaven, they feed each other.

I think I am especially thinking about this after spending the long weekend with my extended family.  It is pretty male heavy.  What I saw was men in service to the women who were there.  They were looking out to be sure every one was included and no one got left behind.  They asked the helpful questions, "Can I carry you bag?"  "Are you going to be okay leaving for the airport?"  One of them even drove home (2 hours) at 10 o'clock at night because as one of the other men said, "His wife needs him to be there to comfort her."

It must be nice to be able to relax, to be in a relationship that is about service to each other and to the relationship, and when everything is working as it should be, all your needs are met.

I feel like the bachelorette!

I sort of have issues with the show "The Bachelor or Bachelorette"    They just seem too much like a harem.  I'm not terribly fond of harems, but I think I have one starting...through absolutely no fault of my own...well maybe a little fault, but I'm innocent I tell you, innocent!

So, here's the story.  If you have read some of my blog, you know I am looking for my man and I am trying some on-line dating sites.  I am trying to follow the rules (like what you should write in your profile) and figure things out.  Well, I joined one on Saturday night and just let loose, I wrote what I was thinking and didn't filter too much.  One of the things I said was how I was unique.  Well, 24 hours later, 162 men had looked at my profile, 33 and counting had contacted me.  I got on-line on Sunday night to respond to the 61 e-mails and was inundated with IMs.  I could barely keep up with all the conversations.  I finally told a number of them that I needed to get ready for work the next day and had to log off (where's Stormy's husband when I need him, since I stayed on much longer than I should have).  But anyway, I have another pile of e-mails in my box this morning, which I just finished answering and I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  So, I am pretty excited that maybe I am finally, finally attracting some attention and maybe one of them is "the one".  It is all pretty amazing.

I am exhausted though, harems are a lot of work! 

Compliments

I have been thinking a lot about compliments.  Do you think they mean more when they don't come all the time?  I mean when you really earn a compliment, work really hard and accomplish something, do they mean more?  I didn't grow up in a time when everybody got a trophy or a ribbon.  I grew up when there were winners and losers, when only the winners got an award. 

I always did well in school, that was my thing...being the brain.  So, in some classes an A was pretty meaningless, I didn't have to work very hard to get it, but in other classes I had to really struggle and work hard to achieve a good grade, sometimes not even an A.  I don't remember a lot of compliments for good grades from my parents.  Should they have been doled out more freely or should it have been harder to earn a compliment?

So, I guess what I am wondering is: Are compliments more precious when they are a bit rare?

Be easier on yourself

So, one of the students in my class beats himself in the head with his hands and calls himself stupid.  He berates himself under his breath non-stop.  I told him tonight that he couldn't do that.  He needs to be easier on himself because berating himself is not productive.  He said he can't stop himself.  I said look around, everybody is struggling, you have to stop being so hard on yourself.  The rest of the students do their best to ignore it, but there are giggles when he gets really bad.  He said he tells himself to calm down but he can't.  I said you are just learning, repetition will help.  He says he can't remember the important stuff.  I wonder if I should start threatening to take points away if he keeps degrading himself (giggle) or tell him that kind of talk is not allowed!  Maybe he would respond to me getting all dominant on him...lol.

Now, I have gone down the self-flagellation route a few times, but I can't keep it up.  I can't beat myself up like that for more than a couple of days and then my happy spirit returns unbidden. How does someone get into that kind of habit?  I do think we should be gentle with ourselves.  I feel for the most part we are doing the best that we can and it won't get better with that kind of self-criticism.  It just makes me sad that someone feels that they deserve that kind of treatment from anyone, including himself. 

Red Flags

So, I have been e-mailing with someone, not very much, just a couple of times and he comes at me with:  "You said X on your profile and that sends up red flags."  So, he contacted me originally and now after only four e-mails he wants to talk about red flags? 

I can't help but feel like either A) He shouldn't have contacted me if he thinks there are red flags, or B) asked the question more like "You said X on your profile, why is that the case?'  or something. 

I am feeling judged before I even get a chance to show who I am and I should we really be getting into red flags before we have done anything more than e-mail a couple of times? I can't help but feel like he is trying to pre-judge me to see if I am worth his time to get to know. 

Am I over reacting?  Are things so different now, that it is okay to ask questions in that way when you barely have even corresponded?  Is that the way he conducts all his relationships, with such a confrontational manner?  I think I need a more gently touch.  I don't know what I need, but that for me just sits wrong.

I am really confused by this one!  Am I wrong? 

Gossip

So, there is always a gossip mill where every you are. Who's in who's out, blah, blah, blah.  So, I was just chatting with a colleague about things, just things and he said, "I would tell you more, but I don't want you to change your opinion about so and so".  That took me back several steps, but I kind of like it.  It made me realize that there is a certain safety in knowing that if they won't talk about others to you, you can probably assume that they won't talk about you to others.

In other news, not much news on the dating front.  I am trying not to get discouraged.  I just wish I knew what to do differently and I just don't...sigh...

Are you strong enough?

So, I wrote this a while ago, but I have been thinking about it a lot.  I thought I would put it here, so I can read it every now and then...

Are you strong enough to be my man?

Are you strong enough to realize that when my light is shining its brightest, yours is not diminished one iota?

Are you strong enough to encourage that light, fanning the flame and rejoicing in the warmth, rather than trying to smother it because it can be threatening in its might?

Are you strong enough to accept that I can survive without your care?

Are you strong enough to accept that while I don’t need you, I want you, and want is far superior to need because it implies a conscious consent of the will?

Are you strong enough to know that every bit of control I yield to you is the highest compliment I can possibly pay to who you are?

Are you strong enough to accept what I give without trying to greedily take more?

Are you strong enough to realize that patient hands and eyes and lips will lure me far more readily than force, because controlled power is infinitely more attractive than powerful displays?

Yes, you can force your will on me, but at that point, who I am will be driven so far into hiding that you will no longer recognize me. I am a survivor and I know how to protect myself from force.  I have had to do it far too often.

Are you strong enough to reach past anger and fear and defensiveness to touch the hidden quivering spirit inside of me?

Are you strong enough to wait, hand extended, for me to place my willing hand in yours? For I will reward that patience by putting that tiny flame that is my deepest self into your care, knowing that all this time it has been protected for you and I am at last safe to put it into your keeping.   

I am power and I am strength, but I am also fragile and delicate, not easily made vulnerable except by someone with that quiet, perceptive maleness for which that I long.

So, tell me, are you strong enough?