I just got back from the Easter Vigil where we welcomed over 100 people into the Catholic Church. It is always such a kick to watch how excited everyone is and they just beam. They have been preparing for this night for nine months and now it has finally happened.
I love to listen as they tell me what they liked the best and what was meaningful and how it was so different than they expected and how a three hour service didn't seem like three hours at all. Then it is my turn to beam.
Happy Easter everyone!
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Loneliness
Feeling lonely over here...it kind of comes and goes, but mostly just lonely.
There are times when it is about stupid things like having to clean the gutter by myself or deal with workmen. I complained to one about something another one did and he said if it were him he would have handled it differently and told the guy to "get his butt over there and do it". Yeah, I live alone and the "guy" knows where I live. I don't know that I want to tangle with that, especially after he got angry at me on the phone and hung up. I find I wish I had someone who could say tell the guy to honor his commitments and "get his butt over there and do it", but I don't.
Having to deal with the death of my cat by myself, less stupid, but still, times like those I wish I had someone to lean on.
The yard needs to be weeded and my bathroom is in mid-remodel and I am home alone on Spring Break and times like this I just weep and wish I had someone.
All I can do is wipe the tears away and keep going...what else is there to do? Hopefully this too will pass when I am back at work and not so alone...and lonely.
There are times when it is about stupid things like having to clean the gutter by myself or deal with workmen. I complained to one about something another one did and he said if it were him he would have handled it differently and told the guy to "get his butt over there and do it". Yeah, I live alone and the "guy" knows where I live. I don't know that I want to tangle with that, especially after he got angry at me on the phone and hung up. I find I wish I had someone who could say tell the guy to honor his commitments and "get his butt over there and do it", but I don't.
Having to deal with the death of my cat by myself, less stupid, but still, times like those I wish I had someone to lean on.
The yard needs to be weeded and my bathroom is in mid-remodel and I am home alone on Spring Break and times like this I just weep and wish I had someone.
All I can do is wipe the tears away and keep going...what else is there to do? Hopefully this too will pass when I am back at work and not so alone...and lonely.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Roles....
So, I have questions for you all...that I hope you'll be willing to answer.
So, here's the first one.
When you are over your husbands lap, what is his role? By that I mean, you went over his lap because he is your husband, or dom or HOH, but once you are there, what is his role? Here are a couple of suggestions I have heard to sort of start the ball rolling..teacher? or disciplinarian? or some other word?
While you are over his lap, what is your role? I don't even know what words to use here...
Here's another question, I have read of many who have been told to just be themselves, but if being yourself is to be very controlled and "good" why should you not be those things? By that I mean, do you want to shift the control over your behavior to someone else and allow yourself to act out? Should you only have to be "good" when it comes naturally? So, when there is an effort of the will to behave, should you not exert that will, but instead allow your husband to seize the control to get you to the place of behaving were it IS easy and does feel good and effortless?
Just some random thoughts and questions I have had...
So, here's the first one.
When you are over your husbands lap, what is his role? By that I mean, you went over his lap because he is your husband, or dom or HOH, but once you are there, what is his role? Here are a couple of suggestions I have heard to sort of start the ball rolling..teacher? or disciplinarian? or some other word?
While you are over his lap, what is your role? I don't even know what words to use here...
Here's another question, I have read of many who have been told to just be themselves, but if being yourself is to be very controlled and "good" why should you not be those things? By that I mean, do you want to shift the control over your behavior to someone else and allow yourself to act out? Should you only have to be "good" when it comes naturally? So, when there is an effort of the will to behave, should you not exert that will, but instead allow your husband to seize the control to get you to the place of behaving were it IS easy and does feel good and effortless?
Just some random thoughts and questions I have had...
Sunday, February 9, 2014
News from the dating wars
I have been dating, quite a lot actually and at times I find it fun and at other times just depressing. Let me share some recent events.
I met a guy who seemed really nice and attentive. We met for drinks and that went well. On the second date, he took me to a burlesque show. Yes, topless women, dancing. In his defense, he expected music and hadn't been to this show before. I told him in a text that I suspected there would be topless women. He offered to take me bar hopping instead. We went to the burlesque show. I wasn't scandalized or offended but as we talked, I found out he had married his ex-wife twice and had only just settled into the job he has now. He had been moving RVs cross country prior to that and so was away from his wife. I told him I thought it was important to be together as a couple. He agreed and said that was why he took the job he had. He mumbled something about me being too classy for him when I told him that I probably wouldn't feel comfortable spending the day naked at Burning Man, which he had done. He also asked if I would enjoy being clothed watching other people naked at Burning Man. I said probably not. He texted me once and when I responded to him, he thanked me, saying that he thought I wouldn't contact him again. His next text, I didn't respond to. I think he is right, I am probably too classy for him.
Another guy I met on-line and he has been Skyping pretty regularly. You already know about him for a previous post. He has a problem with "high conflict" women and coaches men in how to deal with them. He is currently working with a man as a sober coach. I didn't hear from him for eight days and then a text asking to Skype. I said yes, but I can hear him playing pool while I am talking and him commenting in a low voice, while I am talking that he is making great shots. I told him we didn't have to talk if he wanted to play pool instead. He said no, he was just playing around. At the end of the conversation which was mostly about him, I told him about some troubles I am fighting at work. He listened and had few comments and then the call amazingly just ended. He sent me a text an hour later saying he was sorry about the call ending. I don't expect to hear from him for another eight days or so, which is okay because I think he just wants me to listen to him and not have to give me anything in return. So, strike two on the man list
The third man I will mention is where I need your sage advice out there. He is dd and we are very much on the same page about things. The problem is...and is it a problem?...he is 16 years younger than I am. He says age is not a problem for him and that the last two women he dated were also in their 40s...he is in his early 30s. We are chatting soon, so we shall see, so my question is...do you all think an age difference matters or not?
Sigh...anybody out there have a nice, single brother or friend in his 40s who wants an intelligent, calm, gentle woman?
I met a guy who seemed really nice and attentive. We met for drinks and that went well. On the second date, he took me to a burlesque show. Yes, topless women, dancing. In his defense, he expected music and hadn't been to this show before. I told him in a text that I suspected there would be topless women. He offered to take me bar hopping instead. We went to the burlesque show. I wasn't scandalized or offended but as we talked, I found out he had married his ex-wife twice and had only just settled into the job he has now. He had been moving RVs cross country prior to that and so was away from his wife. I told him I thought it was important to be together as a couple. He agreed and said that was why he took the job he had. He mumbled something about me being too classy for him when I told him that I probably wouldn't feel comfortable spending the day naked at Burning Man, which he had done. He also asked if I would enjoy being clothed watching other people naked at Burning Man. I said probably not. He texted me once and when I responded to him, he thanked me, saying that he thought I wouldn't contact him again. His next text, I didn't respond to. I think he is right, I am probably too classy for him.
Another guy I met on-line and he has been Skyping pretty regularly. You already know about him for a previous post. He has a problem with "high conflict" women and coaches men in how to deal with them. He is currently working with a man as a sober coach. I didn't hear from him for eight days and then a text asking to Skype. I said yes, but I can hear him playing pool while I am talking and him commenting in a low voice, while I am talking that he is making great shots. I told him we didn't have to talk if he wanted to play pool instead. He said no, he was just playing around. At the end of the conversation which was mostly about him, I told him about some troubles I am fighting at work. He listened and had few comments and then the call amazingly just ended. He sent me a text an hour later saying he was sorry about the call ending. I don't expect to hear from him for another eight days or so, which is okay because I think he just wants me to listen to him and not have to give me anything in return. So, strike two on the man list
The third man I will mention is where I need your sage advice out there. He is dd and we are very much on the same page about things. The problem is...and is it a problem?...he is 16 years younger than I am. He says age is not a problem for him and that the last two women he dated were also in their 40s...he is in his early 30s. We are chatting soon, so we shall see, so my question is...do you all think an age difference matters or not?
Sigh...anybody out there have a nice, single brother or friend in his 40s who wants an intelligent, calm, gentle woman?
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Where would we be without our past?
I went to see "Saving Mr. Banks" tonight. It is a very Disney-fied story about how Mary Poppins was brought to the big screen. It was sweet and touching. It told of Walt Disney's abusive father and P.L. Travers alcoholic father. It got me to thinking about what phoenixes we humans are. Despite (or maybe because of) the abuse...Disneyland. Despite (or maybe because of) an alcoholic father and a fragile mother...Mary Poppins. By the way, Emma Thompson does a splendid job of making a rather disagreeable woman, sympathetic.
We all carry around burdens from our past and yet we are all phoenixes, rising from those ashes. Do you ever look at those horrible things that happened to us in childhood (and we all have those things) and think, "Those things led me here to who I am, without them I would be a different person." We all deal with them in our own ways and are sometimes more successful than other times at putting them in perspective and they sometimes haunt us. But do they not also make us better in ways that we wouldn't be if not for them? Are we more sympathetic, more caring, more patient, more thoughtful, or more attuned to other's needs because we have those scars that we try so hard to hide.
Do you ever look at what others have been through and think how brave and strong they are even as they continue to deal with what life has thrown at them? We are survivors, every one of us and we have coping skills that work at varying degrees of success and maybe that is a part of what TTWD is about...a coping skill that helps us use all those hurts and scars and produce our own Disneyland or Mary Poppins or maybe just brings out our better selves to be present in a good way to the world not in spite of our pasts but because of them.
I have decided scars are not shameful things. They show that you are a survivor. They can spur you on to do great things that you would never have done if not for what produced those scars. They are badges of honor. Perhaps most importantly, the wounds that leave the scars give us the ability to reach into other people's lives and be truly present to them. Maybe that is the power of these blogs we write: the ability to be anonymous to some extent, allows us to reveal our wounds and scars and not be ashamed. To use them to help others in ways that we might only be able to in the virtual world and maybe one day the sharing in the virtual world will make us brave enough to share them in the real world.
There is a lot of support here in blogland and maybe it's because of the scars and wounds we all carry around, not in spite of them.
Happy New Year, Everybody!
We all carry around burdens from our past and yet we are all phoenixes, rising from those ashes. Do you ever look at those horrible things that happened to us in childhood (and we all have those things) and think, "Those things led me here to who I am, without them I would be a different person." We all deal with them in our own ways and are sometimes more successful than other times at putting them in perspective and they sometimes haunt us. But do they not also make us better in ways that we wouldn't be if not for them? Are we more sympathetic, more caring, more patient, more thoughtful, or more attuned to other's needs because we have those scars that we try so hard to hide.
Do you ever look at what others have been through and think how brave and strong they are even as they continue to deal with what life has thrown at them? We are survivors, every one of us and we have coping skills that work at varying degrees of success and maybe that is a part of what TTWD is about...a coping skill that helps us use all those hurts and scars and produce our own Disneyland or Mary Poppins or maybe just brings out our better selves to be present in a good way to the world not in spite of our pasts but because of them.
I have decided scars are not shameful things. They show that you are a survivor. They can spur you on to do great things that you would never have done if not for what produced those scars. They are badges of honor. Perhaps most importantly, the wounds that leave the scars give us the ability to reach into other people's lives and be truly present to them. Maybe that is the power of these blogs we write: the ability to be anonymous to some extent, allows us to reveal our wounds and scars and not be ashamed. To use them to help others in ways that we might only be able to in the virtual world and maybe one day the sharing in the virtual world will make us brave enough to share them in the real world.
There is a lot of support here in blogland and maybe it's because of the scars and wounds we all carry around, not in spite of them.
Happy New Year, Everybody!
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Words
Have you ever thought about words? The way they are used, who is saying them, the tone and the timing all seem to have a huge impact.
I never thought I would like the word ma'am. I thought it would make me feel old to have someone use it...I still don't like it for the most part. Most people that I am in authority over call me miss. My boss, however, calls me ma'am. When I ask him to do something for me, he often says, "Yes, ma'am." I find I do like that and I'm not sure why. He is older than me and in a position of authority, but he doesn't seem to feel the need to pull that authority card. Maybe for those two reasons it doesn't make me feel old. He also calls me "MIss Cygnet" that I like less, but it's said with a huge smile and kindness so I can live with it.
Another word: Daddy. We were discussing its use the other day in a group of 4 woman and 2 men. One of the guys finally said, "Not to be sexist, but I think it is different from women and men. I would never call my father, Daddy." "Not even when you were a little boy?" I asked. "Never," he said. The other guy agreed and said he was hesitant to say it. I replied that it was a term of affection for girls and women. He said he had no problem being called it by his daughter, because she is a Daddy's girl: a term he says he uses.
How about diva? I can't believe any woman would want to be called that, but there are women who have claimed it. I have always thought it was a term of derision. I guess it originally was a term for a woman who was a wonderful singer: a Prima donna, but I think diva and Prima donna have come to mean a temperamental person; a person who takes adulation and privileged treatment as a right and reacts with petulance to criticism or inconvenience. How is that a good thing?
Do you think there are other words that used to feel funny to be used by or about you and your feelings about the words have changed?
I never thought I would like the word ma'am. I thought it would make me feel old to have someone use it...I still don't like it for the most part. Most people that I am in authority over call me miss. My boss, however, calls me ma'am. When I ask him to do something for me, he often says, "Yes, ma'am." I find I do like that and I'm not sure why. He is older than me and in a position of authority, but he doesn't seem to feel the need to pull that authority card. Maybe for those two reasons it doesn't make me feel old. He also calls me "MIss Cygnet" that I like less, but it's said with a huge smile and kindness so I can live with it.
Another word: Daddy. We were discussing its use the other day in a group of 4 woman and 2 men. One of the guys finally said, "Not to be sexist, but I think it is different from women and men. I would never call my father, Daddy." "Not even when you were a little boy?" I asked. "Never," he said. The other guy agreed and said he was hesitant to say it. I replied that it was a term of affection for girls and women. He said he had no problem being called it by his daughter, because she is a Daddy's girl: a term he says he uses.
How about diva? I can't believe any woman would want to be called that, but there are women who have claimed it. I have always thought it was a term of derision. I guess it originally was a term for a woman who was a wonderful singer: a Prima donna, but I think diva and Prima donna have come to mean a temperamental person; a person who takes adulation and privileged treatment as a right and reacts with petulance to criticism or inconvenience. How is that a good thing?
Do you think there are other words that used to feel funny to be used by or about you and your feelings about the words have changed?
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Enough
I was talking with a man the other day and he had been terribly wounded by a woman who he labeled as "high conflict". He said he had finally had enough and had left her. He then started up a counseling service to help other men who were in relationships with high conflict women. He said the first thing to do was to end the conflict by just agreeing with everything she says because by doing so, you don't get into fights at all and then you have the freedom to decide if you want to stay with her or not.
I was thinking today about why his suggestions felt uncomfortable to me. At first I was trying to label it passive aggressive, but it's not really aggressive, passive, yes, but not aggressive. I then I started thinking that I wanted a guy who would argue with me, when I am upset about something he did and that doesn't seem right either. I think I want a genuine "I'm sorry" when he really is contrite about something that he has done and just apologizing for anything and everything just seems like there is no true contrition, just trying to shut the woman up and stop conflict before it happens. I want to be able to discuss problems and work them out and when the man apologize immediately, then no discussion really happens. I want to be able to argue and that sounds wrong, but I don't think it is. I want to be able to argue and come to a resolution.
What I realized finally is that I want a man who will stand up for himself, fight fair and apologize if he has made a mistake. I also want a man who can say "enough" to me when I push things too far or when I am escalating an argument too much. I don't want a passive man who goes belly up at the first sign of conflict. I want to want to argue and be honest, while still being respectful. I don't want things to go unresolved, but I do want a man who has the ability to lovingly and firmly say, "Enough" and have the means at his disposal to make sure I honor and accept that.
I was thinking today about why his suggestions felt uncomfortable to me. At first I was trying to label it passive aggressive, but it's not really aggressive, passive, yes, but not aggressive. I then I started thinking that I wanted a guy who would argue with me, when I am upset about something he did and that doesn't seem right either. I think I want a genuine "I'm sorry" when he really is contrite about something that he has done and just apologizing for anything and everything just seems like there is no true contrition, just trying to shut the woman up and stop conflict before it happens. I want to be able to discuss problems and work them out and when the man apologize immediately, then no discussion really happens. I want to be able to argue and that sounds wrong, but I don't think it is. I want to be able to argue and come to a resolution.
What I realized finally is that I want a man who will stand up for himself, fight fair and apologize if he has made a mistake. I also want a man who can say "enough" to me when I push things too far or when I am escalating an argument too much. I don't want a passive man who goes belly up at the first sign of conflict. I want to want to argue and be honest, while still being respectful. I don't want things to go unresolved, but I do want a man who has the ability to lovingly and firmly say, "Enough" and have the means at his disposal to make sure I honor and accept that.
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