I am adding to my list of the things I am looking for in a mate. I was in a chat room today and they started arguing about religion. One guy started it and then everybody chimed in and it just became all about scoring points. It also became a little bit nasty with cutting remarks and sarcasm. I finally posted about the argument being fruitless. I mean let's get real here, it isn't about convincing the other person, because they aren't going to be convinced. It is meaningless arguing! I hate arguing and debate anyway, but this just degenerated into name calling and character slurs.
So, I am adding to my list. I want someone who can disagree without going for the throat. I also want someone who can recognize that the argument is going nowhere and walk away, even if they have more points that they want to score. I want someone who is mature that way. Someone who can say, I concede, let's change the subject, let's agree to disagree without getting nasty about it.
I'm not talking about arguments where there will eventually be a resolution. I am talking about things like "Should woman wear hats in church?" (No that wasn't what the argument was about). We all may have our opinions and may be convinced we know the truth, but we need to accept that the other person probably is convinced they know the truth too and while it can be discussed and debated, when it turns ugly it should be let go. I'm looking for someone who just won't go there!
I guess the upside is it helped me narrow the field, those who went there are out of the running. I want someone who responds kindly despite being provoked.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Confession
So, as I was commenting on another blog, I had a very interesting thought and decided I should come here to share it rather than taking over her blog (lol).
As has been clear in my blog, I am currently unattached and looking. I am also a Catholic. That is a very male dominated religion. Consider for a moment, the males are the leaders, but they are in service to the community. They have a lot of power, but wield that power, for the most part, justly and fairly. They are good listeners and they are problem solvers. They are caretakers and take that responsibility very seriously. They also have the power to help take away guilt in the confessional.
The confessional is an interesting analog to a domestic discipline lifestyle. From the blogs I have read, the format seems very familiar. You come and make yourself very vulnerable by admitting your faults to someone that you look to as a leader and to whom you have given power. There is an implicit agreement that you will accept whatever penance (I hesitate to say punishment, although it can appear that way, in essence penance is your way of showing that you want to mend the relationship with God and get close to him again) they decide to dole out. This happens after they listen to what you have to say, gently question you and end up with, "Is there anything else you want to say?"
You go in knowing a couple of other things too: that there is always forgiveness on the other side; that you are not going to be allowed to hide anything, that it will all be laid out: that you are going to feel better when it is over, free of guilt; that you will have a clean slate; and that you will be cared for through the whole process.
Then there is aftercare...the forgiveness part after the penance part (even the order is the same...grin). There is a prayer that is said when the priest lays his hands on you. I especially like the pardon and peace part....
God the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of your son, you have reconciled the world to yourself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins. Through the ministry of the church, may God grant you pardon and peace. And I absolve you of your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
I like that I can safely make myself vulnerable and be a better person for it. Self examination is a good thing and I like that I am encouraged to do that pretty regularly!
As has been clear in my blog, I am currently unattached and looking. I am also a Catholic. That is a very male dominated religion. Consider for a moment, the males are the leaders, but they are in service to the community. They have a lot of power, but wield that power, for the most part, justly and fairly. They are good listeners and they are problem solvers. They are caretakers and take that responsibility very seriously. They also have the power to help take away guilt in the confessional.
The confessional is an interesting analog to a domestic discipline lifestyle. From the blogs I have read, the format seems very familiar. You come and make yourself very vulnerable by admitting your faults to someone that you look to as a leader and to whom you have given power. There is an implicit agreement that you will accept whatever penance (I hesitate to say punishment, although it can appear that way, in essence penance is your way of showing that you want to mend the relationship with God and get close to him again) they decide to dole out. This happens after they listen to what you have to say, gently question you and end up with, "Is there anything else you want to say?"
You go in knowing a couple of other things too: that there is always forgiveness on the other side; that you are not going to be allowed to hide anything, that it will all be laid out: that you are going to feel better when it is over, free of guilt; that you will have a clean slate; and that you will be cared for through the whole process.
Then there is aftercare...the forgiveness part after the penance part (even the order is the same...grin). There is a prayer that is said when the priest lays his hands on you. I especially like the pardon and peace part....
God the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of your son, you have reconciled the world to yourself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins. Through the ministry of the church, may God grant you pardon and peace. And I absolve you of your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
I like that I can safely make myself vulnerable and be a better person for it. Self examination is a good thing and I like that I am encouraged to do that pretty regularly!
Holy Cow!
I am in a pretty male dominated profession, which is fine with me. Something funny that happens without my instigating it at all, is that language cleans up when I am around. I don't complain or act shocked about language, although I never got in the habit of using those word. I don't know why it happens, but it does. One of my colleagues came in my office after having a conversation that I could hear from down the hall. If was not a horrible cussing fest, but there was some blue language sprinkled in. Two guys discussing something with the secretary (another female). So, he comes down to my office and he went from the f-word and s-word to Holy Cow! That made me smile. I just wonder what vibe I give off that a guy who cusses in front of another woman (so, it isn't just the woman thing) changes his language when he is talking to me. It's not just him either, my students (mostly male) do the same thing.
Just something I noticed that makes me smile.
Just something I noticed that makes me smile.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Who makes those kinds of threats?
So, I was out to dinner tonight at a group thing and the woman across from me told me that she was telling her husband and mother that they were going to owe her a half an hour of labor if they left trash in her car or if her husband left his tools out. She said for every tool left out she was going to have him clean the bathroom I don't get this. Who makes those kinds of threats? Especially to your mother and your husband? I didn't think I had heard her correctly and I asked, "Is this your children?" She answered. "No, my husband and my mother." Okay, I know I am currently hyper-sensitive to how people treat each other, but this just sounds disrespectful on so many levels.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Will the real June Cleaver please stand up!
I got a note today in my e-mail from a guy who had previously told me that he would "own" his wife and train her to serve him. My response was, does the wife "own" her man and get to train him to "serve" her too since we should be in service to one another and to our marriage? His response was in the multiple. First he told me that a woman should communicate to her man on all levels (ok) and June Cleaver from Leave it to Beaver was the perfect wife. (??????)
I'm not sure that mold is really one that anyone can fit into anymore. I'm not even sure June Cleaver fit into the mold that we think she did. She stayed home and vacuumed in pearls and heels. Does anyone do (or should they do) that anymore? What else do we know about her? I don't have an issue with the staying at home part, I would probably be okay with the staying at home part. I think the wife's role should be to make the home a haven for her husband and to be a steady, peaceful rock for him. But what exactly is that perfect wife thing? She sought Ward's advice on things, but she argued with him. She expected him to keep his promises and complained when he didn't. If you think about it, June was sort of a non-entity on the show. Her role was pretty small actually. Do we really know who June Cleaver was?
We seem to have this idea that June Cleaver was the perfect submissive wife who only said "Yes dear". She kept house and took care of the boys and let Ward handle the big stuff (I guess). But did she really? I can't remember, which tells me she was pretty much a non-entity. Do I really want a man who wants a woman like that?
The capper on this scintillating (ooo, I probably should be careful using big words...would June Cleaver use the word scintillating?) conversation was a clip from a comedy show called "Women Know Your Place". You should look it up on youtube. He sent me the link. I checked it out. It was people at a dinner party and when the conversation turned serious a woman spoke up with an opinion, the men were not pleased. She was taken home in tears. Then there was a replay of the same scene with her talking about kittens instead of giving her opinion. It was quite enlightening. If that is how June Cleaver would have behaved, I am no June Cleaver. I also don't think there should be a division of labor down gender lines. You should be able to do the things you like and the things you are good at first and then the less desirable jobs should be negotiated. Of course if one of the other spouse stays home, the bulk of the housework would fall to them, but if both people work, then that is a different story.
I guess I am just of the opinion that leaders are always better leaders when they have trusted advisers. Those advisers are listened to and their opinion is respected. If this guy wants a woman who has no opinions then he needs to look elsewhere. By the way, I am not entirely convinced he would be happy even if he were married to June Cleaver.
So, now the question is....is he serious or is this all a tease? I think I am going to need to find that out. June Cleaver might take it all a face value...as I have said, though, I am no June Cleaver.
I'm not sure that mold is really one that anyone can fit into anymore. I'm not even sure June Cleaver fit into the mold that we think she did. She stayed home and vacuumed in pearls and heels. Does anyone do (or should they do) that anymore? What else do we know about her? I don't have an issue with the staying at home part, I would probably be okay with the staying at home part. I think the wife's role should be to make the home a haven for her husband and to be a steady, peaceful rock for him. But what exactly is that perfect wife thing? She sought Ward's advice on things, but she argued with him. She expected him to keep his promises and complained when he didn't. If you think about it, June was sort of a non-entity on the show. Her role was pretty small actually. Do we really know who June Cleaver was?
We seem to have this idea that June Cleaver was the perfect submissive wife who only said "Yes dear". She kept house and took care of the boys and let Ward handle the big stuff (I guess). But did she really? I can't remember, which tells me she was pretty much a non-entity. Do I really want a man who wants a woman like that?
The capper on this scintillating (ooo, I probably should be careful using big words...would June Cleaver use the word scintillating?) conversation was a clip from a comedy show called "Women Know Your Place". You should look it up on youtube. He sent me the link. I checked it out. It was people at a dinner party and when the conversation turned serious a woman spoke up with an opinion, the men were not pleased. She was taken home in tears. Then there was a replay of the same scene with her talking about kittens instead of giving her opinion. It was quite enlightening. If that is how June Cleaver would have behaved, I am no June Cleaver. I also don't think there should be a division of labor down gender lines. You should be able to do the things you like and the things you are good at first and then the less desirable jobs should be negotiated. Of course if one of the other spouse stays home, the bulk of the housework would fall to them, but if both people work, then that is a different story.
I guess I am just of the opinion that leaders are always better leaders when they have trusted advisers. Those advisers are listened to and their opinion is respected. If this guy wants a woman who has no opinions then he needs to look elsewhere. By the way, I am not entirely convinced he would be happy even if he were married to June Cleaver.
So, now the question is....is he serious or is this all a tease? I think I am going to need to find that out. June Cleaver might take it all a face value...as I have said, though, I am no June Cleaver.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Dominance
So, I have been dating on and off pretty steadily and I am still looking for my guy. What I have found is that many of the men I meet are too meek to be able to handle me. Does that sound bad? I know that I am pretty alpha, but I really, really don't want to be able to walk on the guy I am with. I want somebody who is confident and will be able to take charge when he needs to. I haven't found the guy that can do that for me yet. I am not talking about domination, that would drive me nuts! I am also not talking about controlling, that, too, would drive me nuts!
I wonder about this whole dominance thing. I read the other day that many women have this fantasy. For me I think it springs from the fact that I pretty much raised myself, despite wishing I had parents who would have guided me more. I was a good girl. I never got in trouble. I can think of three times that I was punished. That being said, I could have built a bomb in my garage and my parents would have had no idea. I guess I really wanted parents who would have stepped in and helped me be a better person. Now, I guess I am looking for that in a husband. I want someone who will be focused on me and us. I want someone who has our best interests at heart. Who is willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage a success. I want to be a better person because he (whoever that may end up being) is in my life.
Selfishly, I guess, sometimes I just don't want to be in charge. I have been in charge my whole life. I have had no one to lean on for so long, that I wonder what it would be like to just let someone else lead for a while. I had a key to let myself in the house at 10 years old. At 17, when my mom died, I called 911 because my dad wasn't able to. I didn't have a parent to tell my deepest darkest secrets to, but I want a person like that in my life now. I want a guy who is strong enough to be my man, with all that I bring to the table good and bad.
I wonder if there is a man out there who feels his job is to protect, to serve, to cherish, to adore and to help me be a better me. A man who won't resent that I can't do it all myself and it okay with picking up the pieces that I can't and don't want to carry anymore. I don't want to need this, but I find that I do and maybe it is one of those dreams that just can't come true for me. I'm going to keep trying though, all I have to lose is my loneliness.
I wonder about this whole dominance thing. I read the other day that many women have this fantasy. For me I think it springs from the fact that I pretty much raised myself, despite wishing I had parents who would have guided me more. I was a good girl. I never got in trouble. I can think of three times that I was punished. That being said, I could have built a bomb in my garage and my parents would have had no idea. I guess I really wanted parents who would have stepped in and helped me be a better person. Now, I guess I am looking for that in a husband. I want someone who will be focused on me and us. I want someone who has our best interests at heart. Who is willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage a success. I want to be a better person because he (whoever that may end up being) is in my life.
Selfishly, I guess, sometimes I just don't want to be in charge. I have been in charge my whole life. I have had no one to lean on for so long, that I wonder what it would be like to just let someone else lead for a while. I had a key to let myself in the house at 10 years old. At 17, when my mom died, I called 911 because my dad wasn't able to. I didn't have a parent to tell my deepest darkest secrets to, but I want a person like that in my life now. I want a guy who is strong enough to be my man, with all that I bring to the table good and bad.
I wonder if there is a man out there who feels his job is to protect, to serve, to cherish, to adore and to help me be a better me. A man who won't resent that I can't do it all myself and it okay with picking up the pieces that I can't and don't want to carry anymore. I don't want to need this, but I find that I do and maybe it is one of those dreams that just can't come true for me. I'm going to keep trying though, all I have to lose is my loneliness.
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