So, I have been dating on and off pretty steadily and I am still looking for my guy. What I have found is that many of the men I meet are too meek to be able to handle me. Does that sound bad? I know that I am pretty alpha, but I really, really don't want to be able to walk on the guy I am with. I want somebody who is confident and will be able to take charge when he needs to. I haven't found the guy that can do that for me yet. I am not talking about domination, that would drive me nuts! I am also not talking about controlling, that, too, would drive me nuts!
I wonder about this whole dominance thing. I read the other day that many women have this fantasy. For me I think it springs from the fact that I pretty much raised myself, despite wishing I had parents who would have guided me more. I was a good girl. I never got in trouble. I can think of three times that I was punished. That being said, I could have built a bomb in my garage and my parents would have had no idea. I guess I really wanted parents who would have stepped in and helped me be a better person. Now, I guess I am looking for that in a husband. I want someone who will be focused on me and us. I want someone who has our best interests at heart. Who is willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage a success. I want to be a better person because he (whoever that may end up being) is in my life.
Selfishly, I guess, sometimes I just don't want to be in charge. I have been in charge my whole life. I have had no one to lean on for so long, that I wonder what it would be like to just let someone else lead for a while. I had a key to let myself in the house at 10 years old. At 17, when my mom died, I called 911 because my dad wasn't able to. I didn't have a parent to tell my deepest darkest secrets to, but I want a person like that in my life now. I want a guy who is strong enough to be my man, with all that I bring to the table good and bad.
I wonder if there is a man out there who feels his job is to protect, to serve, to cherish, to adore and to help me be a better me. A man who won't resent that I can't do it all myself and it okay with picking up the pieces that I can't and don't want to carry anymore. I don't want to need this, but I find that I do and maybe it is one of those dreams that just can't come true for me. I'm going to keep trying though, all I have to lose is my loneliness.
I don't remember if I told you this, but I dated SO many meek guys. They were sweet and kind and I liked them but I knew I needed someone stronger. Someone who was my intellectual match and who I looked up to and intuitively respected. We don't use the word "dominant" much (rings wrong for my husband) but he is all over the concept of leadership, not with me following as much as walking at his side with him. He says it's easier to grab and swat when I start to wander. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, the one you meet must make you a better person and challenge you.
I'm sorry about your mom and dad. How sad...and how amazing at who you have become even without them being all of what you needed.
He's out there cygnet. He must be!
"Someone who was my intellectual match and who I looked up to and intuitively respected."
ReplyDeleteThis line is SSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOO true!
Thanks, Susie, for hanging in there with me.