Half Life of the Autonomic Nervous System

So, first a little bit of an update.  I did write back to the Handyman's suggestion (hey that sounds like a good book title...anybody want it?) and I told him I was glad he took the time to find my e-mail and write since I thought that he didn't like me.  I hope that didn't sound snarky, but I needed him to know how I was affected, I thought.  I wished him well in getting through the semester and that I hoped things went well.  I tried to be kind and thoughful and of course I haven't heard from him.

I am still chatting with a couple of other men. I might even manage to meet a couple of them.  It seems that some of them like the endless e-mailing and texting, but never want to actually meet.  I'm not sure what that means.

So on to the title of my post.  I heard on the radio the other day about the autonomic nervous system and its role in arguments.  Now stay with me!  So apparently when you argue your autonomic nervous system gets involved and you start to tense up, your heart rate increases and your adrenaline starts to surge. Both men and women have the same response.  The difference is that men calm down faster from that than women.  Which means that after an argument, men are pretty much done, but women remain "feeling angry" even though they logically know that the argument is done.  So, they look around for other reasons why they still "feel angry" and that usually results in them bringing up other things to argue about.  The article suggested ways men can diffuse the situation after the argument. I am sure that each of your HOHs out there have their own way of that... :-)

Here is the link to that short article:

http://dylan.tweney.com/2007/01/11/half-life-of-the-autonomic-nervous-system/

I think I'm going to find that information pretty useful. 

Update on Handyman Suggestion

Well, I got an e-mail from the man the handyman suggested.  Just so you are all up to date, we met for coffee on September 2...today is November 22, so by my reckoning that is approximately 81 days since I last heard from him. 

He claims he had intended to e-mail or call, but he got swamped and he hasn't had time to socialize even with his close friends, let alone people he has just met...like me.  Then he said it was outside of his comfort zone and he couldn't handle any additional stress. Then he apologized for not calling. Then he told me he was sick and that he hoped my semester went well...

The End.

Now I have to figure out HOW or IF I should respond to this.  He did take the time to find my e-mail address, but he didn't really ask me out again or anything.  Perhaps he is looking for me to say "That's okay" or "Maybe we can get together".

My gut response...which I usually never go with is..."Sorry I stressed you out, that is the last thing I would want to do to a guy, so I guess it's a good thing you didn't call me for 81 days because I have moved on.  I am currently being courted by five men who actually call me and want to meet.  Huh, go figure, they must be interested."

Now that that's out of my system it's time to work on the Christian response.  :-)

Accepting or not?

Well, I haven't been here lately.  I guess life got busy with me going back to teaching and getting busy with life.  So, a few updates.

I did meet up with the handyman's friend.  He was late arriving, so I already had my hot chocolate.  I got the vibe right off that he had come because his friend had asked him to and so he wasn't too concerned about being late.  We talked for two hours, he said he had things to do and said we had a lot in common and I haven't heard from him since.  I guess he did his duty.

The guy I have been talking to on-line for a while thinks we are too far away from each other.  I guess that is the go to when you want to stop things.  It is easier than saying I don't think you're the one for me.  I sort of wonder about his commitment though, because he never wanted to exchange numbers.  He was content with internet chatting.  So, a few tears were shed on that one, but I am moving on.

I am still chatting with a man in South Carolina.  He seems like a good match and we are enjoying writing about ideas and things in the news.  I fear he is hesitant because he has been divorced and is currently working on getting a divorce from wife number two and I guess is gun shy.  Again, hasn't asked to talk on the phone. 

I sometimes fear I am destined to be alone and maybe I am better off. I should just accept it, but then I think why would I have this strong desire to have someone if I would be better off...

Sometime life is just hard and confusing and tear inducing and I'm not really sure what I can do about that.  :-(

Matchmaking

While I am not totally over the top in making it known that I am looking for a man in my life, I do periodically mention it to people who might have friends and who might be willing to be a matchmaker for me. Sometimes the matchmakers come in very unusual wrappings.

I have a handy man who comes and does the sorts of things I either can't or don't want to handle around my house and we have struck up a friendship.  He is funny and a good conversationalist and I find that when he is working around the house, I keep him company and we laugh a lot.  I consider him a friend and he has invited me on hikes with his church group and even to Sunday services in the park on Sunday when he was preaching. So far I haven't been able to attend, but he might have had ulterior motives that I didn't know about until recently.

Last time he was over, we were chatting and I had made some banana bread to get rid of the overripe bananas I had on my counter and told him when it had cooled, I would give him a slice.  He asked if I baked a lot and I told him it came in waves.  He then asked if I cooked a lot and I told him pretty much every night...innocent enough questions, right?

Well, perhaps not so innocent, because as we were standing in the kitchen eating banana bread, he said he had been considering something that he wanted to ask me and had been considering it for a while...before you go there (probably too late, lol), I should mention he is married and has two children...he said he had a friend from his church who he thought I might like...that came out of the blue! 

So, maybe the questions about cooking were not so innocent.  He was worried it would be awkward and be like Junior High and asked what I thought I might like to do to meet this guy.  I told him I would think about it, but that it wouldn't be like junior high school because we were adults and could meet and decide if we liked each other... no harm no foul.  The next time the handy man came over to finish a job for me, he asked if I had thought about it and I told him to just give my number to his friend.

So, we shall see.  We have similar careers and we live in the same city...both pluses.  The handy man said he was funny and his favorite person (which I consider and honor that he would try to matchmake us since he wouldn't want his friend to be matched up with just anybody...right?)

So, can a handy man be a matchmaker? Inquiring minds want to know!

Vetting men

So the vetting process continues.  I am starting to have a firm idea about what I am really looking for, which I guess is a good thing.  I have decided, definitely,  I need a man who can carry on conversation.  I am not attracted to the strong, silent type.  I can talk for a while, but at some point I need feedback on what I've said, not just silence...waiting to be filled.

I also have decided that if a man NEVER asks me about myself, he is not for me.  I had one man very angry with me for not telling him EVERYTHING about myself in the first or second e-mail.  He asked me nothing about myself but shared about himself after I asked him a bunch of questions, and then said he had given me everything and I had given him nothing.  I can't imagine trying to have anything resembling a HOH relationship with someone who gets that angry, that quickly, without asking for what he wants. 

I also need to have someone who can write in complete sentences.  I try not to be a snob about things, but at least take a moment to write more than a series of words that convey something like" spanking bare bedroom".  Yes, that conveys meaning, but it doesn't tell me much about yourself and I really, really want to get to know someone who I'm contemplating getting intimate with and making myself that vulnerable. When I asked him directly to tell me about himself he said, "I am Catholic".  Okay, good, but is that all you want me to know and do you want to know about me?

Then, there was the guy who wanted to know if I was white, if I had ever been spanked and what if I didn't like it.  I responded and he didn't write back...surprise, surprise, surprise. Well, not really surprising because I knew there were men out there who are are only about the spanking and that just isn't going to be enough for me.  I would like to thank Susie and Korey for giving me their input on things on that front.  It really helped me to solidify my thoughts and feelings on a lot of things especially what is most important in a relationship for me.

The above three probably prepared me for the man who is the front runner at this point.  He writes in complete sentences, we talk about things other than dd, he asks me about myself and he sends quick notes when he isn't going to be able to e-mail me right away to continue our conversation. The e-mails we exchange do tend towards the long side, so I think he wants me to know that he is interested, but busy. I expect we'll be moving to phone conversations soon.

I am casting a wide net and not just putting all my eggs in one dating pool or should that be beach balls ;-). Things in the dating world are very fluid, but with everyone I talk to, and with the support of my blogland sisters, I feel like I am getting closer all the time to finding my guy and that makes me feel good about things.

Doveryai No Proveryai

So, now that the kerfuffle is dying down a bit...I seem to find a common theme: while many of us are saddened, shocked, surprised....pick your feeling, I find many of the comments prefaced with "I didn't know Christina or I only read her blog".  I am right there with you all.  I never e-mailed her, I mostly read her blog. So, I am wondering why it is that most of us had no contact with Christina except through her blog or through Rogue and/or Chelsea.  What exactly kept us from getting closer?  Why is it that our first thoughts were of Rogue and/or Chelsea? And as time has gone on, those thoughts are also about Blondie and Cat...and, and, and. I think that is pretty telling. 

Any of us could have fallen victim to the deceit, it's true, but as we have rallied around the people who were injured...has anyone even for a second questioned if they were real or if their stories and pain are real? Do we question if they have husband or children? I would venture to say no, because we do in our deepest selves recognize that what they are feeling and how they feel about the impact it had on their families is very real. So, I am of the mind that yes, you can be deceived by skilled liars, but ultimately most of what you read here in blogland is true.  It may be colored a bit, shaded some and worked a bit, but there is a kernel of truth in every post.

I am thinking of that Anne Frank quote "It’s really a wonder that I haven’t dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can’t build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death."

I also am calling to mind a catch phrase of Ronald Reagan's which is actually a Russian proverb that we are all probably going to be embracing a bit more firmly: "doveryai no proveryai" (trust, but verify).
 

Speaking of Relationships

So the quest continues.  I have been e-mailing with one man quite extensively and I find his questions very refreshing.  He is new to the thought of dd if not of spanking and is trying to wrap his head around what it means to interact on a dominant/submissive level outside of the bedroom. I like that he is unsure about how things should go and is sounding me out on what I might expect from him.  So, you who are living this lifestyle, would you be willing to answer his questions?  I'd kind of like to put your answers up next to mine and see where we come out.

1. What if in a true disciplinary action he becomes aroused?  Is that wrong?  Should that not happen? Does that make the discipline less pure?  My question...what if you become aroused?

2.  How hard is hard enough?  He's pretty strong....  How can he learn how far to go and what if he goes too far?  My question: How do you test out things?

3.  Is it ever necessary to go down the path of a disciplinary action?  Can it be avoided all together?

4.   What signs do you give off that the spanking is effective at the level that it is or what signs do you give off that you need more?

5.  What happens if the husband does something wrong?  How is discipline handled for him?  How does he atone?

5.  Here's one of mine...how much of what your husband knows about dd has come from only you and how much has he researched or come up with on his own?

I hope everyone had a wonderful Independence Day.  I went to a ballgame and watched fireworks: my kind of 4th!