Half Life of the Autonomic Nervous System

So, first a little bit of an update.  I did write back to the Handyman's suggestion (hey that sounds like a good book title...anybody want it?) and I told him I was glad he took the time to find my e-mail and write since I thought that he didn't like me.  I hope that didn't sound snarky, but I needed him to know how I was affected, I thought.  I wished him well in getting through the semester and that I hoped things went well.  I tried to be kind and thoughful and of course I haven't heard from him.

I am still chatting with a couple of other men. I might even manage to meet a couple of them.  It seems that some of them like the endless e-mailing and texting, but never want to actually meet.  I'm not sure what that means.

So on to the title of my post.  I heard on the radio the other day about the autonomic nervous system and its role in arguments.  Now stay with me!  So apparently when you argue your autonomic nervous system gets involved and you start to tense up, your heart rate increases and your adrenaline starts to surge. Both men and women have the same response.  The difference is that men calm down faster from that than women.  Which means that after an argument, men are pretty much done, but women remain "feeling angry" even though they logically know that the argument is done.  So, they look around for other reasons why they still "feel angry" and that usually results in them bringing up other things to argue about.  The article suggested ways men can diffuse the situation after the argument. I am sure that each of your HOHs out there have their own way of that... :-)

Here is the link to that short article:

http://dylan.tweney.com/2007/01/11/half-life-of-the-autonomic-nervous-system/

I think I'm going to find that information pretty useful. 

Update on Handyman Suggestion

Well, I got an e-mail from the man the handyman suggested.  Just so you are all up to date, we met for coffee on September 2...today is November 22, so by my reckoning that is approximately 81 days since I last heard from him. 

He claims he had intended to e-mail or call, but he got swamped and he hasn't had time to socialize even with his close friends, let alone people he has just met...like me.  Then he said it was outside of his comfort zone and he couldn't handle any additional stress. Then he apologized for not calling. Then he told me he was sick and that he hoped my semester went well...

The End.

Now I have to figure out HOW or IF I should respond to this.  He did take the time to find my e-mail address, but he didn't really ask me out again or anything.  Perhaps he is looking for me to say "That's okay" or "Maybe we can get together".

My gut response...which I usually never go with is..."Sorry I stressed you out, that is the last thing I would want to do to a guy, so I guess it's a good thing you didn't call me for 81 days because I have moved on.  I am currently being courted by five men who actually call me and want to meet.  Huh, go figure, they must be interested."

Now that that's out of my system it's time to work on the Christian response.  :-)

Accepting or not?

Well, I haven't been here lately.  I guess life got busy with me going back to teaching and getting busy with life.  So, a few updates.

I did meet up with the handyman's friend.  He was late arriving, so I already had my hot chocolate.  I got the vibe right off that he had come because his friend had asked him to and so he wasn't too concerned about being late.  We talked for two hours, he said he had things to do and said we had a lot in common and I haven't heard from him since.  I guess he did his duty.

The guy I have been talking to on-line for a while thinks we are too far away from each other.  I guess that is the go to when you want to stop things.  It is easier than saying I don't think you're the one for me.  I sort of wonder about his commitment though, because he never wanted to exchange numbers.  He was content with internet chatting.  So, a few tears were shed on that one, but I am moving on.

I am still chatting with a man in South Carolina.  He seems like a good match and we are enjoying writing about ideas and things in the news.  I fear he is hesitant because he has been divorced and is currently working on getting a divorce from wife number two and I guess is gun shy.  Again, hasn't asked to talk on the phone. 

I sometimes fear I am destined to be alone and maybe I am better off. I should just accept it, but then I think why would I have this strong desire to have someone if I would be better off...

Sometime life is just hard and confusing and tear inducing and I'm not really sure what I can do about that.  :-(

Matchmaking

While I am not totally over the top in making it known that I am looking for a man in my life, I do periodically mention it to people who might have friends and who might be willing to be a matchmaker for me. Sometimes the matchmakers come in very unusual wrappings.

I have a handy man who comes and does the sorts of things I either can't or don't want to handle around my house and we have struck up a friendship.  He is funny and a good conversationalist and I find that when he is working around the house, I keep him company and we laugh a lot.  I consider him a friend and he has invited me on hikes with his church group and even to Sunday services in the park on Sunday when he was preaching. So far I haven't been able to attend, but he might have had ulterior motives that I didn't know about until recently.

Last time he was over, we were chatting and I had made some banana bread to get rid of the overripe bananas I had on my counter and told him when it had cooled, I would give him a slice.  He asked if I baked a lot and I told him it came in waves.  He then asked if I cooked a lot and I told him pretty much every night...innocent enough questions, right?

Well, perhaps not so innocent, because as we were standing in the kitchen eating banana bread, he said he had been considering something that he wanted to ask me and had been considering it for a while...before you go there (probably too late, lol), I should mention he is married and has two children...he said he had a friend from his church who he thought I might like...that came out of the blue! 

So, maybe the questions about cooking were not so innocent.  He was worried it would be awkward and be like Junior High and asked what I thought I might like to do to meet this guy.  I told him I would think about it, but that it wouldn't be like junior high school because we were adults and could meet and decide if we liked each other... no harm no foul.  The next time the handy man came over to finish a job for me, he asked if I had thought about it and I told him to just give my number to his friend.

So, we shall see.  We have similar careers and we live in the same city...both pluses.  The handy man said he was funny and his favorite person (which I consider and honor that he would try to matchmake us since he wouldn't want his friend to be matched up with just anybody...right?)

So, can a handy man be a matchmaker? Inquiring minds want to know!

Vetting men

So the vetting process continues.  I am starting to have a firm idea about what I am really looking for, which I guess is a good thing.  I have decided, definitely,  I need a man who can carry on conversation.  I am not attracted to the strong, silent type.  I can talk for a while, but at some point I need feedback on what I've said, not just silence...waiting to be filled.

I also have decided that if a man NEVER asks me about myself, he is not for me.  I had one man very angry with me for not telling him EVERYTHING about myself in the first or second e-mail.  He asked me nothing about myself but shared about himself after I asked him a bunch of questions, and then said he had given me everything and I had given him nothing.  I can't imagine trying to have anything resembling a HOH relationship with someone who gets that angry, that quickly, without asking for what he wants. 

I also need to have someone who can write in complete sentences.  I try not to be a snob about things, but at least take a moment to write more than a series of words that convey something like" spanking bare bedroom".  Yes, that conveys meaning, but it doesn't tell me much about yourself and I really, really want to get to know someone who I'm contemplating getting intimate with and making myself that vulnerable. When I asked him directly to tell me about himself he said, "I am Catholic".  Okay, good, but is that all you want me to know and do you want to know about me?

Then, there was the guy who wanted to know if I was white, if I had ever been spanked and what if I didn't like it.  I responded and he didn't write back...surprise, surprise, surprise. Well, not really surprising because I knew there were men out there who are are only about the spanking and that just isn't going to be enough for me.  I would like to thank Susie and Korey for giving me their input on things on that front.  It really helped me to solidify my thoughts and feelings on a lot of things especially what is most important in a relationship for me.

The above three probably prepared me for the man who is the front runner at this point.  He writes in complete sentences, we talk about things other than dd, he asks me about myself and he sends quick notes when he isn't going to be able to e-mail me right away to continue our conversation. The e-mails we exchange do tend towards the long side, so I think he wants me to know that he is interested, but busy. I expect we'll be moving to phone conversations soon.

I am casting a wide net and not just putting all my eggs in one dating pool or should that be beach balls ;-). Things in the dating world are very fluid, but with everyone I talk to, and with the support of my blogland sisters, I feel like I am getting closer all the time to finding my guy and that makes me feel good about things.

Doveryai No Proveryai

So, now that the kerfuffle is dying down a bit...I seem to find a common theme: while many of us are saddened, shocked, surprised....pick your feeling, I find many of the comments prefaced with "I didn't know Christina or I only read her blog".  I am right there with you all.  I never e-mailed her, I mostly read her blog. So, I am wondering why it is that most of us had no contact with Christina except through her blog or through Rogue and/or Chelsea.  What exactly kept us from getting closer?  Why is it that our first thoughts were of Rogue and/or Chelsea? And as time has gone on, those thoughts are also about Blondie and Cat...and, and, and. I think that is pretty telling. 

Any of us could have fallen victim to the deceit, it's true, but as we have rallied around the people who were injured...has anyone even for a second questioned if they were real or if their stories and pain are real? Do we question if they have husband or children? I would venture to say no, because we do in our deepest selves recognize that what they are feeling and how they feel about the impact it had on their families is very real. So, I am of the mind that yes, you can be deceived by skilled liars, but ultimately most of what you read here in blogland is true.  It may be colored a bit, shaded some and worked a bit, but there is a kernel of truth in every post.

I am thinking of that Anne Frank quote "It’s really a wonder that I haven’t dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can’t build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death."

I also am calling to mind a catch phrase of Ronald Reagan's which is actually a Russian proverb that we are all probably going to be embracing a bit more firmly: "doveryai no proveryai" (trust, but verify).
 

Speaking of Relationships

So the quest continues.  I have been e-mailing with one man quite extensively and I find his questions very refreshing.  He is new to the thought of dd if not of spanking and is trying to wrap his head around what it means to interact on a dominant/submissive level outside of the bedroom. I like that he is unsure about how things should go and is sounding me out on what I might expect from him.  So, you who are living this lifestyle, would you be willing to answer his questions?  I'd kind of like to put your answers up next to mine and see where we come out.

1. What if in a true disciplinary action he becomes aroused?  Is that wrong?  Should that not happen? Does that make the discipline less pure?  My question...what if you become aroused?

2.  How hard is hard enough?  He's pretty strong....  How can he learn how far to go and what if he goes too far?  My question: How do you test out things?

3.  Is it ever necessary to go down the path of a disciplinary action?  Can it be avoided all together?

4.   What signs do you give off that the spanking is effective at the level that it is or what signs do you give off that you need more?

5.  What happens if the husband does something wrong?  How is discipline handled for him?  How does he atone?

5.  Here's one of mine...how much of what your husband knows about dd has come from only you and how much has he researched or come up with on his own?

I hope everyone had a wonderful Independence Day.  I went to a ballgame and watched fireworks: my kind of 4th!

Things that made me smile this week and how the cat saved my life.

I went to the funeral of a friend's mother this week.  I had met her mother once and at the same time, I met her mother's friends.  These were friends she had had since the 1950s.  When they arrived, I was introduced to each of them and then they went and greeted my friend's mother and introduced themselves.  They introduced themselves because my friend's mom had Alzheimer's so badly that she didn't remember her friends with whom she had been friends for 60 years.  That kindness, that seemed so natural, made me smile and stuck with me so much that I even mentioned it to one of them when I saw her at the funeral.  She just smiled and said, "I didn't mind having to introduce myself, once I did, she remembered for the rest of the day."

Which made me think of Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's husband who also has Alzheimer's.  He apparently has fallen in love with a woman at the nursing home he where he lives and his wife is thrilled.  Here is a link if you are interested in reading about that:

John O'Connor's Girlfriend

On a totally side note, the men I met that day also made us breakfast...is that the meal that is the purview of men?  They barbecue or make breakfast when they cook?  I wonder why that is...

These were people who had been married since the 1950s and you hear in our circles about how marriages worked back then.  Well, the dead woman apparently did something due to depression (although back then they probably didn't recognize it as that) that endangered one of her children.  Apparently her husband's cousin and her husband both gave her what for when they came home and discovered it.  The one man said he came in and saw the baby in distress, took care of her and scolded my friend's mom.  Her husband then came in, after putting away the horses (yes, more cowboys) heard about what had happened and did the same.  They all said it was the only time they ever saw him lose his temper with her and they told the story with a sad smile.

Other things that made me smile...my car has a warning that comes on when I leave my blinker on too long!  Who knew!

My cherry trees have cherries after only two years and a transplanting!  That just doesn't happen.

Okay, I guess I have built anticipation up enough, here is the cat story.

As a little, little girl, I always like small, dark places.  I would climb into the middle of clothes racks at clothing stores because it was dark and small.  Also when I was a little girl, we had a big, old, tom cat.  He was tall enough, that when I was learning to walk, he would walk next to me and I would put my hand on his back to steady myself and we would walk around together.  Well one day, my mother was outside weeding the flower bed and I decided that I wanted to get into the refrigerator because it was small and dark.  I thought it was a great idea, our cat, my walking buddy, was of the opinion that it was NOT a good idea, so he ran outside to where my mother was working and then ran to the door and then back to her (and no, the cat's name was not Lassie and mine is not Timmy), My mom, curious about why our cat was acting so strangely, stood up and followed him into the house, where the cat ran directly to the refrigerator.  She heard me knocking on the door and found me inside. I am sure my mother would never have thought to look there if she couldn't find me.

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there!

Liebster Award

Thanks for nominating me, Blondie.  I never receive awards and I am pleased that you thought enough of my blog to nominate me.

Here is a link to Blondie's blog, she's fun to read!
Blondie's blog

Since I wondered why it is called the Liebster award, I looked it up...yeah, I'm a bit of a nerd.  Here's what I found:

It has German origins – the word “liebster” has several definitions: dearest, sweetest, kindest, nicest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, welcome, sweetheart and boyfriend (really?)

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog.

2, Display the award on your blog--by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a "widget" or a "gadget".

Answer 11 questions about yourself which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.

5. Nominate 5 - 11 blogs you feel deserve this award, who have less than 1000 followers.

6. Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

7. List these rules on your post. Once you have written published it, you then have to:

8. Inform people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn about it (they might not have heard of it!)

Here are the questions Blondie asked:

1. Are you generally a happy person?

I am usually a very happy person, try though I might, I can't hang on to a good depression.  

2. Do you look like your mother?

I don't think I look like either my mother or my father.  My hands sort of resemble my mother's. 

3. Favorite sex position?

I don't know, it probably depends on the mood and the kind of day I have had.

4. Will you or have you told your children about your spanking lifestyle?

I don't have any children, but I would think not, children don't need to have those sorts of thoughts running around in their heads.

5. Do you own any sex toys and if so how many and which is your favorite?

Nope, no sex toys.

6. Have you ever had a picture taken of your red bottom after a spanking?

Nope (Okay, now I am getting boring) :-)

7. What decade did you attend high school?

The 1980s

8. What song do you tend to sing in the shower?

 I tend to sing show tunes, like "Good Morning" from singing in the rain.

9. Have you ever thought about walking away from your life and starting over somewhere else?

I have actually done this.  It was not as hard as you might think and I am in a much better place than I was.  I tend to live life asking "What's the worst that can happen" and if I can deal with the expected consequences,  I go for it!

10. Would you go on a cruise with your family and your extended family (parents, in-laws, siblings, etc)

My parents are both dead, but I would do it with my brothers, we get along pretty well.

11. Is there a subject that you and your husband dance around and try to sweep under the carpet instead of dealing with it?

I have no husband, but I am looking...anybody know a nice man in his 40s or 50s who is looking for a girl like me?

Okay, 11 random facts about myself:

1.  When I was a little girl, my cat saved my life.

2.  I have read "Gone with the Wind" 20 times

3.  I wanted to grow up and marry Kent McCord or MacGyver when I was a girl. (Smart and cute, what's not to like?)

4.  My max leg press weight was 525 pounds.

5.  I can list all the presidents of the United States in order, (Did I mention I was a bit of a nerd?)

6.  I love to travel and try to go somewhere fun every year or so.

7.  I'm a natural redhead.

8.  My favorite flower is the day lily.

9.  I have a life list instead of a bucket list and I don't keep anything on that list longer than about  5 years.  When something goes on, I started planning on how to achieve it.

10.  I close my eyes during violent movies.  

11.  I think doing dishes together is/can be romantic.

Here are my questions:

1.  If you could have any job in the world (forget talent or money making ability) what would you do?

2.  What is your favorite book of all time?

3.  What is the one thing that you and your husband just can't seem to agree on and how do you deal with it?

4.  What is the thing you like most about yourself?

5.  What superpower would you like to have?

6.  What luxury in life do you indulge in?

7.  Who is your celebrity crush?

Okay here are my nominees:

Jason's girl over at Taming of the Shrew.  She has such a tender way of writing about her relationship with her husband and I appreciate that she chronicles and ups and the downs!

Taming of the Shrew

I also enjoy reading about Jan over at An English Rose.  Again someone who writes about ups and downs.  (But she was already nominated, so I am just going to mention that I enjoy reading her blog)

I enjoy reading what Kenzie writes too!  I am sensing a pattern about the ups and downs of life:

Trying to Learn, Learning to Try

I also laugh regularly over at Cat's blog

Giggles, Grins and Reflections

Everybody else I tend to read has already been nominated for a Leibster and I don't want people to feel like they have to respond, so I am just going to stop with those three and a cheery wave to all the others I read.

Happy Easter

I just got back from the Easter Vigil where we welcomed over 100 people into the Catholic Church.  It is always such a kick to watch how excited everyone is and they just beam.  They have been preparing for this night for nine months and now it has finally happened.

I love to listen as they tell me what they liked the best and what was meaningful and how it was so different than they expected and how a three hour service didn't seem like three hours at all.  Then it is my turn to beam.

Happy Easter everyone! 

Loneliness

Feeling lonely over here...it kind of comes and goes, but mostly just lonely. 

There are times when it is about stupid things like having to clean the gutter by myself or deal with workmen.  I complained to one about something another one did and he said if it were him he would have handled it differently and told the guy to "get his butt over there and do it".  Yeah, I live alone and the "guy" knows where I live.  I don't know that I want to tangle with that, especially after he got angry at me on the phone and hung up. I find I wish I had someone who could say tell the guy to honor his commitments and "get his butt over there and do it", but I don't.

Having to deal with the death of my cat by myself, less stupid, but still, times like those I wish I had someone to lean on.

The yard needs to be weeded and my bathroom is in mid-remodel and I am home alone on Spring Break and times like this I just weep and wish I had someone.

All I can do is wipe the tears away and keep going...what else is there to do?  Hopefully this too will pass when I am back at work and not so alone...and lonely.

Roles....

So, I have questions for you all...that I hope you'll be willing to answer.

So, here's the first one.

When you are over your husbands lap, what is his role?  By that I mean, you went over his lap because he is your husband, or dom or HOH, but once you are there, what is his role?  Here are a couple of suggestions I have heard to sort of start the ball rolling..teacher? or disciplinarian? or some other word?

While you are over his lap, what is your role? I don't even know what words to use here...

Here's another question, I have read of many who have been told to just be themselves, but if being yourself is to be very controlled and "good" why should you not be those things? By that I mean, do you want to shift the control over your behavior to someone else and allow yourself to act out? Should you only have to be "good" when it comes naturally?  So, when there is an effort of the will to behave, should you not exert that will, but instead allow your husband to seize the control to get you to the place of behaving were it IS easy and does feel good and effortless?

Just some random thoughts and questions I have had...

News from the dating wars

I have been dating, quite a lot actually and at times I find it fun and at other times just depressing.  Let me share some recent events.

I met a guy who seemed really nice and attentive.  We met for drinks and that went well.  On the second date, he took me to a burlesque show.  Yes, topless women, dancing.  In his defense, he expected music and hadn't been to this show before.  I told him in a text that I suspected there would be topless women.  He offered to take me bar hopping instead.  We went to the burlesque show.  I wasn't scandalized or offended but as we talked, I found out he had married his ex-wife twice and had only just settled into the job he has now.  He had been moving RVs cross country prior to that and so was away from his wife.  I told him I thought it was important to be together as a couple.  He agreed and said that was why he took the job he had.  He mumbled something about me being too classy for him when I told him that I probably wouldn't feel comfortable spending the day naked at Burning Man, which he had done.  He also asked if I would enjoy being clothed watching other people naked at Burning Man.  I said probably not.  He texted me once and when I responded to him, he thanked me, saying that he thought I wouldn't contact him again.  His next text, I didn't respond to.  I think he is right, I am probably too classy for him.

Another guy I met on-line and he has been Skyping pretty regularly.  You already know about him for a previous post.  He has a problem with "high conflict" women and coaches men in how to deal with them.  He is currently working with a man as a sober coach.  I didn't hear from him for eight days and then a text asking to Skype.  I said yes, but I can hear him playing pool while I am talking and him commenting in a low voice, while I am talking that he is making great shots.  I told him we didn't have to talk if he wanted to play pool instead.  He said no, he was just playing around.  At the end of the conversation which was mostly about him, I told him about some troubles I am fighting at work.  He listened and had few comments and then the call amazingly just ended.  He sent me a text an hour later saying he was sorry about the call ending.  I don't expect to hear from him for another eight days or so, which is okay because I think he just wants me to listen to him and not have to give me anything in return.  So, strike two on the man list

The third man I will mention is where I need your sage advice out there.  He is dd and we are very much on the same page about things.  The problem is...and is it a problem?...he is 16 years younger than I am.  He says age is not a problem for him and that the last two women he dated were also in their 40s...he is in his early 30s.  We are chatting soon, so we shall see, so my question is...do you all think an age difference matters or not?

Sigh...anybody out there have a nice, single brother or friend in his 40s who wants an intelligent, calm, gentle woman?

Where would we be without our past?

I went to see "Saving Mr. Banks" tonight.  It is a very Disney-fied story about how Mary Poppins was brought to the big screen.  It was sweet and touching.  It told of Walt Disney's abusive father and P.L. Travers alcoholic father.  It got me to thinking about what phoenixes we humans are.  Despite (or maybe because of) the abuse...Disneyland.  Despite (or maybe because of) an alcoholic father and a fragile mother...Mary Poppins.  By the way, Emma Thompson does a splendid job of making a rather disagreeable woman, sympathetic.

We all carry around burdens from our past and yet we are all phoenixes, rising from those ashes.  Do you ever look at those horrible things that happened to us in childhood (and we all have those things) and think,  "Those things led me here to who I am, without them I would be a different person."  We all deal with them in our own ways and are sometimes more successful than other times at putting them in perspective and they sometimes haunt us.  But do they not also make us better in ways that we wouldn't be if not for them?  Are we more sympathetic, more caring, more patient, more thoughtful, or more attuned to other's needs because we have those scars that we try so hard to hide. 

Do you ever look at what others have been through and think how brave and strong they are even as they continue to deal with what life has thrown at them?  We are survivors, every one of us and we have coping skills that work at varying degrees of success and maybe that is a part of what TTWD is about...a coping skill that helps us use all those hurts and scars and produce our own Disneyland or Mary Poppins or maybe just brings out our better selves to be present in a good way to the world not in spite of our pasts but because of them.

I have decided scars are not shameful things.  They show that you are a survivor.  They can spur you on to do great things that you would never have done if not for what produced those scars.  They are badges of honor.  Perhaps most importantly, the wounds that leave the scars give us the ability to reach into other people's lives and be truly present to them.  Maybe that is the power of these blogs we write: the ability to be anonymous to some extent, allows us to reveal our wounds and scars and not be ashamed.  To use them to help others in ways that we might only be able to in the virtual world and maybe one day the sharing in the virtual world will make us brave enough to share them in the real world.

There is a lot of support here in blogland and maybe it's because of the scars and wounds we all carry around, not in spite of them.

Happy New Year, Everybody!